If you’ve ever felt like converting to Judaism is less of a spiritual journey and more of a test of how much you’re willing to suffer… you’re not alone. In this video, I’m naming the thing we don’t talk about enough: endurance culture in Orthodox conversion is harming real people, and it’s not what Judaism is supposed to be.
Conversion isn’t supposed to be a spiritual obstacle course. It’s meant to be a process of growth, connection, and becoming. But too many candidates are taught – explicitly or implicitly – that they need to earn belonging through suffering, silence, and spiritual gatekeeping.
I’ve been helping people convert to Judaism since 2010, and I’ve heard many hundreds of stories. Some heartbreaking. Some infuriating. Many eerily familiar. In this video, I share what I’ve seen, what I’ve lived, and why it’s time to stop pretending this is okay.
Not everyone’s situation is like this. But far too many are, and we’re taught that it’s not okay to talk about it, much less push back against it. That maybe we’re the problem.
But it’s not you. It’s a system that keeps people more vulnerable than they should be. Because that is why the Torah says so many times that Jews have a special obligation to protect the ger (convert): because we are inherently vulnerable and systems should try to protect us from that risk. (People disagree on how many times the Torah commands this, but it’s a lot.)
And while I’m focusing on the orthodox experience here, it’s not just the orthodox. Conversion candidates are vulnerable in all movements because of our in-betweenness. This culture of required silent suffering is more prevalent in orthodox spaces, but if you’re experiencing this in your non-orthodox conversion, you’re not imagining it. It’s real. (I also dealt with sexual harassment and bullying in my non-orthodox conversion.)
💙 Whether you’re in the process, supporting someone who is, or trying to make sense of your own story – this one’s for you.
Transcript below, as always.
Transcript:
Hot take. Endurance culture in the Orthodox Jewish conversion process is harming people and our community as a whole.
I know this is crazy, but Jewish conversion isn’t meant to be a suffering endurance test.
It’s supposed to be a meaningful spiritual transformation.
If your conversion process feels more like surviving than transforming, you’re not the problem.
The system and culture is.
Conversion should be treated as a spiritual transformation, grounded in meaning, growth and sacred connection.
But in too many spaces, it’s treated as a pressure cooker.
A test of loyalty, obedience, and how much you’re willing to suffer.
That only the truly “deserving” will be willing to suffer for the cause,
and anyone who pushes back against that is “not serious enough.”
When I was converting, I told myself it was supposed to be hard.
That the confusion, the silence, the second guessing, the arbitrary gatekeeping
meant that I was doing it right.
But deep down it didn’t feel like growth. It felt like surviving and barely at that.
There were moments during my many years that it took me to convert where I genuinely thought if I were meant to be Jewish, I wouldn’t be crying all the time like this.
If you know me, you know I do not cry. But during that phase of my life, I cried all the time.
I have been helping people convert to Judaism since 2010, even before I finished my conversion, through blogging about conversion. And I have collected so many stories over the years, and quite frankly, my story is not that bad compared to a lot of people’s. My story is not the worst by a long shot.
Emotional and financial abuse get justified as “weeding out the bad ones.”
That only those with pure intentions will be willing to jump through such arbitrary and un-halachic hoops.
Everyone knows that Judaism doesn’t seek out converts. In fact, rabbis are required to discourage the potential convert.
But the part that people ignore is that there are rules around how and when to discourage a potential convert and who gets to do it.
All these rules are meant to avoid cruelty. Because we are all still made Betzelem Elokim.
Rabbis don’t give clear answers or expectations, and when they do answer you, it often changes at a moment’s notice.
It’s been made clear again and again that perfection is what is required and expected from you.
Any mistake can be used as proof that you’re “not serious enough” or “not a good candidate for conversion.”
Not surprisingly, some conversion candidates see this and take the kapo route.
They desperately seek opportunities to tell on other conversion candidates to try to make themselves look better and more dedicated.
And too many rabbis encourage that behavior by rewarding it.
This endurance culture rewards those who appear to be suffering the most, that they must have the most pure of intentions
rather than looking at beliefs and actions.
We discourage honesty and questions and talking through doubts, all the things that make us human on a spiritual journey.
That’s not spiritual transformation. That’s performing your pain for approval. I convinced myself that I deserved this harsh and arbitrary behavior, that it was for a good cause.
Side note, I already made a video about sexual harassment and abuse in the conversion system. Anything that doesn’t involve the cops, doesn’t get handled. It just gets swept under the rug. Preferably, we kick out the conversion candidate.
My sexual harasser still oversees thousands of conversions
after years of trying to get them to care.
Our system does not reward decency and fairness. It discourages it, and often it punishes it.
This behavior has effects long after conversion. It shapes who you are the rest of your life as a Jew.
After all, I converted 13 years ago, and I’m still mad, and I still have immense difficulty trusting rabbis.
This trauma and maltreatment and the ignoring of it are some of the leading causes of why converts go off the derech. I can tell you that professionally.
But for too many people, a convert going off the derech is just “proof” that they weren’t serious to begin with and they should have been weeded out earlier in the process.
That they weren’t real to begin with,
Which again, just justifies this cruelty endurance culture.
And that’s it. That’s my hot take.
Maybe we should be good people and live up to the idea of Betzelem Elokim, heaven forbid.
