It Wasn’t Pinterest Perfect – and That’s Okay.
If you’ve ever typed “how to do Shabbat” into Google and immediately spiraled into overwhelm, hi. Welcome. You’re in the right place.
Maybe you imagined a perfectly set table, glowing candles, homemade challah, zero screens, and a family singing zemirot in harmony… and then looked around your apartment and realized you’re alone, exhausted, and still in your work clothes. Or maybe you tried to do all the things, and instead of feeling holy and connected, you just felt stressed and slightly crispy.
This week’s video is your permission slip to start where you are.
In it, I walk you through how to begin a meaningful Friday night Shabbat practice without burning out or buying a single new Judaica item. No pressure, no performance – just a simple, doable path toward rest and rhythm. We’re talking three things: one ritual, one dinner tweak, and one small atmosphere shift.
Because Shabbat isn’t about doing it “right.” It’s about making space. Having an intention.
It’s about creating something sacred out of your real life, not waiting until your life is perfectly sacred to begin.
Whether you’re navigating conversion, deep in the messy middle, or just craving more intention in your week – I made this video for you. I’ll even share ways to do Shabbat when your roommates are watching Netflix, your house is noisy, or your body’s just too tired to cook from scratch. We’ll also cover your first synagogue visit when you’re ready for that.
If you join the mailing list, you can download my free “Shabbat Menu” starter guide to mix and match low-effort rituals and meals that work with your reality.
Watch the full video below, and let me know in the comments:
✨ What’s one Shabbat practice you’re going to try this week?
Because starting is brave. And whatever your Shabbat looks like – it matters.
As always, find the transcript below the video.
Transcript:
If you’ve ever Googled “how to do Shabbat” and immediately panicked, this video is for you.
A lot of people try to do all the things right away.
Candles, prayers, no phone, 12 side dishes.
And then wonder why you wanna have a panic attack.
This video is your permission to start small.
I’ll walk you through creating a Friday night routine
that feels special, doable, and nourishing – body and soul.
Because building a Jewish life isn’t about perfection.
It’s about finding your rhythm one step at a time.
Hi, I’m Kochava, a Jewish convert and the person behind Building a Jewish Life.com. I help people navigate the conversion process,
and find clarity, courage, and community along the way.
Whether you’re just getting started or somewhere deep in the messy middle,
I’m here to offer real life support rooted in lived experience. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Think about how your Friday evenings usually go.
The hum of a TV show in the background. The glow of your phone screen.
Maybe a quick glance at work or school emails.
It all blends together,
another stretch of time filled with noise.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
The first step is making Friday night feel different.
You don’t need an elaborate ritual or hours of preparation.
I suggest starting with just three things.
One ritual, one change to your dinner, and one thing that creates a Shabbat atmosphere.
That’s a solid foundation to build on over time.
I am gonna give you a really simple version of that next,
but there are a lot more options.
I created a “Shabbat menu” around these options
that you can get for free if you sign up for my mailing list at Building a Jewish Life.com.
It’s a mix and match guide to help you choose one ritual, one meal change, and one atmosphere change.
No burnout required.
And when you join my mailing list, you’ll get access to an entire resource library
of free tools, printables and guides that I wish I had had when I was converting 13 years ago,
from rabbi meeting prep sheets
to imposter syndrome rescue kits.
You can sign up for that list at Building a Jewish Life.com.
So simple Shabbat. The three most basic things I’m gonna suggest for you to do is: one, to light candles.
Two, make your dinner a little fancier somehow.
And three, turn off your phone for some amount of time.
Maybe the duration of dinner.
This might seem small, but it’s the foundation for everything else.
That first Shabbat dinner isn’t about perfect blessings or a gourmet meal.
It’s about presence.
Store-bought and frozen food is totally fine. No homemade cooking required.
Maybe you stumble through Hebrew, maybe you use English, maybe you don’t even make a blessing at all.
That’s okay.
The point is creating space.
Physically with the candles and mentally with the lack of distractions.
Start with that one meal, friday night dinner.
Light the candles just before sunset. Any candle, will do. People usually start with tea lights. Just make sure you put it on a fire safe surface and don’t leave them unattended, especially if you have pets.
Just let the candles burn while you eat dinner and leave your phone off until you’re done eating.
The world will keep turning.
What you’re doing is building a habit of separation,
not from people, but from the noise of everyday life.
If you live alone. This can feel weird at first,
But even solo Shabbat dinners create a rhythm
That ordinary weekends lack.
Once this becomes second nature, you’ll be ready to expand the ritual.
But for now, focus on mastering the art of one uninterrupted meal.
Everything else will follow.
So what happens if you live with other people who maybe aren’t interested in this stuff?
What happens if you’re getting ready to light candles and your roommate is in the middle of a Netflix net? Netflix binge in the middle of your living room?
The smell of fresh challah fills the kitchen, but there’s music blasting out of the room down the hall?
This is the reality of observing Shabbat in shared spaces.
You can’t control other people’s choices,
but you can shape how they experience your choices.
Laying down the rules- no screens after sunset,
keep the voices down, respect the space,-
might seem like the answer, but it’s gonna cause you more problems in the long run.
People resist when they feel like their routines are being policed.
Instead, focus on modeling the atmosphere you wanna create.
Offer invitations to people, not commands.
Set the table with care- tablecloth, the nice dishes, a wine glass, even if it’s just you.
Bake extra challah and leave some out with a note for them.
When someone asks, keep it simple:
” I am trying something new on Fridays to make my weekend more intentional.”
No jargon, no pressure.
Sometimes the most meaningful moments happen by accident.
Maybe one Friday your roommate wanders in during candle lighting.
Instead of rushing past, they pause.
You offer,
” You wanna light with me? I can show you how.”
It is not a lecture, it’s just a quiet invitation.
They join or they don’t.
If they do, it can be a small, shared moment. If they don’t, that would be fine too.
The key is presenting participation as a choice, not an obligation.
Managing noise can be trickier.
If the TV stays on during dinner, don’t demand silence.
Instead, adjust.
Maybe move your meal to a different room
Or use a use white noise to try to cover up some of the sound for yourself.
If someone asks why you’re eating elsewhere, be honest.
” I’m trying to be more present when I eat and the living room feels distracting tonight.”
Most people will respect that.
Over time, small gestures build a rhythm.
The roommate who once rolled their eyes might start leaving their phone in their room during dinner.
The smell of fresh bread might come to signify Friday night for them.
Without rules, your actions quietly invite others to join you.
Shabbat should be about peace.
As you navigate these really complicated dynamics, remember the phrase “shalom bayit,” peace in the home.
How can you keep this situation calm and low stress for everyone involved, including you?
Nothing here is life and death.
If it’s a legitimately bad or disrespectful situation, begin making plans for something different.
Sometimes the only roommate peace you have in these situations is knowing that there’s an end date.
So let’s go beyond Friday night.
That peaceful Friday night dinner ends, but Shabbat doesn’t have to.
Come Saturday morning, reality crashes back in. Your boss emails you on the weekend. Group chats light up.
And the to-do list waits.
Modern life doesn’t stop for ancient traditions.
The challenge now is extending the Shabbat mindset without pretending you live in a vacuum.
Complete disconnection might not be possible for you right now, but meaningful pauses are.
Start with clear boundaries. If ignoring work emails isn’t fully possible right now, try checking only twice a day.
Create buffers.
Schedule two email checks, say at 10:00 AM and 3:00 PM
instead of constant monitoring.
Turn off the notifications between those times.
Picture starting your day with a quiet cup of coffee instead of a flood of emails.
When you do check, try to focus only on the urgent items.
Flag less critical messages for Sunday instead.
Tech-free fancy meals can happen on Saturday at lunch, just as they did on Friday night.
Even just one hour with your devices off shifts the mood.
Imagine the calm of a table set with real conversation,
the clatter of dishes,
and laughter uninterrupted by buzzing phones.
Keep physical books or board games nearby for inspiration.
The goal isn’t abstinence, but conscious choice.
And try to get outside, take a walk. You can also take a nap. That’s also part of building a Shabbat atmosphere.
Boundaries benefit from physical signals. On Friday night before dinner, change your clothes, wear something different, something nicer.
Move your charger away from your bedside table for Friday night.
These small acts reinforce that things are being done differently right now.
A teacher who placed his work laptop in a drawer until Saturday night found that getting it out was a deliberate reentry point into the everyday world
rather than an automatic habit.
Partial observance still counts. You don’t have to do everything,
and what you do do doesn’t have to be perfect.
Maybe you answer urgent calls, but postpone household chores. Perhaps you avoid spending money, but you check your email at two different times.
One couple kept a Shabbat notebook
for non-urgent thoughts and concerns,
jotting them down instead of acting on them immediately. Over time, they filled fewer pages as their minds adapted to this time of pause.
Each small boundary makes the next one easier.
The first ones are always the hardest, and you will make mistakes. Lots of mistakes.
But over time, you’ll notice small shifts-
the way you fall asleep easier on Friday nights or the way you feel more rested Saturday evenings.
Now maybe you’re ready to find community.
You’ve created a personal Shabbat practice at home that works for you.
Lighting candles, unplugging, maybe even stretching it into Saturday.
But at some point you’ll notice that something is missing.
This is when people start thinking about community,
and usually for most people, that means going to synagogue.
However, that’s not the only way to make community.
You can start by inviting someone to join you for your Friday night dinner.
Just remember the idea of Shalom bayit even with your guests.
But most people are eventually gonna wanna go to synagogue.
Walking into a synagogue for the first time can feel like going to a party where everyone knows each other except for you.
Friday night services are the natural place to start.
They’re shorter and simpler than the Shabbat morning services,
about an hour or less.
There’s also usually less people, and it may be held in a chapel instead of the main sanctuary.
Some synagogue stream services online, so you could watch that in order to get a feel for what a service is like before you ever set foot in the door,
even if it’s not the type of synagogue you anticipate attending in the future.
You will usually find service times online, but I always recommend that 📍 you call and ask ’cause service times change pretty significantly over the course of a year because of when the sun sets.
You can also take that opportunity to ask if someone might be available to sit with you or to call out the page numbers so that you won’t be so lost.
As a practical matter in some locations, primarily outside the United States, you may have to arrange in advance to be able to attend
because of security concerns. In those cases, it’s not unusual to be asked to provide a copy of your passport before being allowed to attend a service.
So always touch base before going, don’t just show up. It’s asking for trouble and frustration.
You don’t wanna be turned away at the door.
Synagogues vary widely.
You may or may not find a greeter at the door.
Each community is gonna differ on how friendly the “regular gang” is.
You should never be afraid to approach someone and ask for help. It’s not that weird for someone to come into a synagogue who has never been there before. You feel like it’s just you, but it’s really not. There have been a lot of people in your shoes before.
If that person’s a jerk about it, they’re just a jerk. Don’t assume that the whole community is a jerk too.
Try again with someone else. Yes, it sucks. I know.
At a minimum, you can ask whoever is leading the service to call out page numbers for you so that you can follow along in the prayer book, the siddur, and you can ask your neighbor which book to use.
Then just sit and stand when everyone else does.
The dress code can be a little confusing sometimes.
The best advice I can give you is to go business casual and on the more conservative side.
When in doubt, go slightly more formal. You can adjust for next time.
And you can usually find a basket of spare yarmulkes by the front door.
Every synagogue has its own vibe, even within the same town.
It may be a place that is older and calmer,
or it could have lots of singing and kids running around.
If it doesn’t work for you, try somewhere else.
You probably won’t find exactly what you want, but you should try.
Belonging takes time. Start small.
Community isn’t about perfection, it’s about growing together.
Jewish tradition calls Shabbat “a taste of the world to come.”
But that doesn’t mean you need to experience the entire feast immediately.
Start with one candle,
one slightly fancier meal,
one hour without screens.
Do you want help planning your first or next Shabbat?
Sign up for my mailing list and you’ll get immediate access to the free resource library, including the free “Shabbat Menu” that I mentioned earlier.
It’s full of easy meal ideas, low energy options,
and rituals you can mix and match to make your Shabbat feel like yours.
You can find it at Building a Jewish Life.com.
Next week’s video covers Shavuot preparation. No perfection required. Hit the notification bell so you don’t miss it.
The comments are open,
tell me one Shabbat practice you’re going to try this week.
Remember, every meaningful practice started with someone’s really awkward beginning.
Your version of Shabbat doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to matter.
Starting is brave.
And every step brings you closer to something truly meaningful. The rest will come in time. Shabbat Shalom.
