If you’ve ever typed “how to convert to Judaism” into a search bar at 1:00 AM, welcome. You’re in the right place.
When I began my own conversion journey (which, spoiler alert, I ended up doing twice), I had no idea how winding, emotional, and at times frustrating the process would be. I thought I was prepared. I had done my research. I’d read the books, found the random people talking online about converting in tweets. But there were so many things that I was still unprepared for emotionally.
In this post, I’m sharing the five truths I wish someone had sat me down and said out loud. Not the textbook answers. Not the checklist. The real-life stuff that hits at 1 AM when you’re feeling lost, unworthy, or wondering if this path is really for you.
Whether you’re just starting to explore Judaism or you’ve been quietly walking this road for a while, I hope this helps you feel less alone and more equipped.
And if you’re looking for honest support from someone who’s been there, don’t miss the FREE Resource Library I’ve built for you. There are printables, trackers, and other tools, and I’m adding to it all the time. Get access by signing up for the mailing list in the box in the sidebar to your right.
Transcript below.
Transcript:
If you’ve ever typed “how to convert to Judaism” into a Google search bar at 1:00 AM, welcome.
Let’s talk about the things that I wish I knew before I started the Jewish conversion process so that you don’t have to find out the hard way.
Hi, I’m Kochava. I’m a Jewish convert.
And I converted, not once, but twice. It was so nice I had to do it twice. No, not really. It was actually quite, uh, upsetting to do it twice.
And I’ve been running a blog about Jewish conversion called Building a Jewish Life.com
since 2010.
I have talked to hundreds of converts, and I can tell you that these are the things that most often come up as things that we were not fully prepared for. Even though we might have intellectually known some of these things, it was still really hard to to deal with emotionally.
So if you’re converting to Judaism, like and subscribe ’cause this channel has content that you need.
First, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. You really want to be done as soon as you decide to convert, but that’s just not realistic. Being an American, I come from a culture where Christianity and Islam both had very simple conversion processes. You say a sentence or two and you’re done. That’s it. The very concept of a conversion process was pretty alien to me.
Like, what, “you don’t want me, I’m pretty awesome “?
But as I’ve said in some other videos,
anyone who tells you that a Jewish conversion will take less than a year is trying to steal your money. Unless you’re rich and you were trying to bribe them to do less than a year, which sometimes happens,
and we know who you are. People know when you do that.
It sounds annoying to have to wait at least a year, but I think there’s really solid logic behind it. The idea is that you should be able to experience the full spectrum of the Jewish calendar, get through all of the holidays at least once.
If you’re someone who’s come into the process with a lot of prior learning and experience, yeah, it may be less than a year. That happened to me. My conversion took over seven years. Most of that was my fault, but not all. And, um, I stepped away a lot during the process, hemming and hawing over whether this was right for me or not.
So when I finally started to pursue the conservative conversion process, I had spent a long time in orthodox spaces and I was very knowledgeable. And so yeah, my conservative conversion didn’t take a year, but if you’re new, you’re gonna need at least a year.
We want slow, steady, embodied learning because Judaism is a very embodied religion.
So on the good side, you don’t have to learn everything right away. No one expects you to. They expect it’s gonna take a while.
So even though it may be frustrating, lean into it and realize that you’ve got the time you need and do it in a practical, sustainable way that’s not gonna burn you out.
Number two, you’ll feel like an outsider, but that doesn’t mean you don’t belong. I know that sounds kind of like splitting hairs, but I think the distinction’s important.
Feeling out of place does not mean you are actually out of place.
And I think that fact can really help people who are struggling with imposter syndrome. Everyone who goes through the Jewish conversion process has a lot of, “I am not Jewish enough for this” moments.
In fact, it’s so common, I made an entire video about ways to beat imposter syndrome in the Jewish conversion process.
The secret is you still feel it even after you finish converting.
It never actually goes away fully. You just get better at handling it.
You do belong here. We allow conversions, we accept converts. You belong. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t, and that includes you.
Number three, not all rabbis or programs are a good fit.
It is okay to say ” this just isn’t for me.”
It’s not quite true that “there are more fish in the sea.” Your choices of rabbis could be quite small, but usually you do have some choice.
If you don’t like your options, that’s okay. Work with them as best you can and work around them when you have to. Maybe the rabbi isn’t a great fit, but the synagogue is really nice and you really enjoy the community. Sometimes you have to make the best you can out of a bad situation, and I know all about that because I went through a lot of bullying and abuse from rabbis in my conversion process.
There are definitely some rabbis who should not be allowed anywhere near someone in the conversion process or anyone vulnerable, but we’re gonna hope that that is not your situation.
But sometimes those are the only people you have available to you, and you have to do the best you can. And that sucks. I can tell you it sucks, but you can still make it and you can get away from them as soon as you can.
But let’s assume your situation isn’t that dire. You might be worried about being perceived as “shopping around,” but let me tell you, all Jews shop around. That’s all we do when we move to a new area. Everyone shops around for the right fit in a synagogue and in a rabbi.
There is no shame in that game. Everyone does it. You are being discerning.
Personality fit matters. Whether you like each other matters.
Try to get the best fit you can with the options you have.
Number four, Jewish life doesn’t look one way. Even within orthodoxy, there are many ways to practice and many different ways of living a Jewish life.
So there is no “right” Jewish lifestyle, no matter what some rabbi tries to tell you. Looking at you, the rabbi who says all women have to wear stockings.
Kind of like what we were talking with getting the right fit with a rabbi. You’re gonna want that right fit with a congregation as well and a community.
It can sometimes feel like it’s not okay to be different in these communities, but it is, and you’ll find your people. Being different helps you find your people much faster, I have to tell you. I didn’t know it when I was going through the conversion process, but I’m neurodivergent. I am chronically different from other people in all the best and worst ways.
There is a place for me, just like there is a place for you. You don’t have to compromise on your values in order to meet someone else’s ideas of what’s right.
You’re building a Jewish life. Build one that’s sustainable and meaningful to you, and it’s going to grow and change with you as you grow and change. And that’s okay. That’s normal and human,
no matter how much people try to tell us.
Number five, you’re gonna want support, but more importantly, you deserve support. So many of us feel like we have to do this alone. That we have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps to get this conversion done, but that’s not how it works. Judaism is a communal religion. You cannot do Judaism without the Jews.
We generally do a good job of supporting people when they’re suffering. Yes, the conversion process can involve quite a lot of suffering sometimes,
and there’s a lot of loneliness in conversion.
You don’t have to do it all alone just to prove that you’re serious.
In fact, the most Jewish thing you can do is offer and receive support from the community.
Another thing that I feel like people really struggle with is the idea that you deserve support. You are part of the Jewish community. No matter how some people may try to make you feel you aren’t. You already are.
And I think that’s just a cultural problem we have, especially here in the United States, of not feeling like it’s right to ask for help or receive help.
You can get help. You can get support from so many areas, and I want you to use all of them. I want you to have your rabbis, mentors, tutors, peers, people in the community, online support, all of it.
Each method of support offers you something different.
And in fact, that’s how I got into the business of sitting here on this YouTube video with you. When I went through the conversion process, there was not support. There were barely even any Facebook groups. There was a bunch of random Jews on Twitter who were really nice to me. The Twitpacha, which if you don’t know, mishpacha means family.
So they were the Twitpacha.
I started my blog because I couldn’t get answers to things and I lived in a community where the rabbi was a bully and refused to answer my questions. So even basic Jewish questions, all I had was Rabbi Google. And Rabbi Google was a lot worse than he is now.
Rabbi ChatGPT. Not bad, I have to say. Not great. A lot of mistakes, but way better than Rabbi Google.
And what I found when I started blogging was that no one else was doing any of this. And even, let’s see, 15 years later, there’s still not resources like mine out there, and I finally got tired of it, and so I decided to hop on YouTube and start making videos for people in addition to blogging on my blog as well.
Conversion candidates deserve resources and support and I feel so strongly about that and there is so little of it being done. And that is a condemnation of our whole community, honestly. The Torah makes it clear that we have to support converts, and we don’t, as a general rule, certainly not with resources, especially if those resources cost money.
So if you want more support like this, go to Building a Jewish Life.com and get on my mailing list.
When you join , you’ll get access to a full Resource Library, which includes printables and guides and trackers, things that I wish had existed when I was converting. All free,
and it’s growing all the time with more resources.
My goal is for you to be able to navigate your Jewish life with confidence and clarity,
even if you’re just starting out.
No pressure, no spam, just real practical support from someone who’s been there.
So now we’ve come to the end of the five things that I wish I had known before I started my Jewish conversion process.
It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
You’ll feel like an outsider, but that doesn’t mean you don’t belong. Not all rabbis and programs are a good fit, and that’s okay. Jewish life doesn’t look one way. And you’re gonna want support and you deserve it. I hope you find all the support and resources that you need in your journey.
Shabbat Shalom.
