If you’re in the middle of the Jewish conversion process, chances are you’ve felt like you’re always one step away from ruining everything. You’re studying, showing up, trying to impress your rabbi—but still somehow wondering, Am I doing this wrong?
You’re not alone. And no, you’re not failing.
In this post, I’m breaking down the most common mistakes conversion candidates make—not to shame you, but to free you. Because mistakes don’t mean you’re doing it wrong. They mean you care. And with a little perspective (and maybe a few laughs), you can move forward with more confidence and a whole lot more heart. Let’s talk about it.
Transcript below.
Transcript:
You are trying to do everything right. Study hard, show up, impress your rabbi,
but still it somehow feels like you’re always one step away from messing it all up.
You’re not alone. I’ve seen it over and over and in myself.
That’s why in this video we’re gonna be talking about some of the most common mistakes that conversion candidates make during the Jewish conversion process,
so you can learn from them and move on with more confidence.
Hi, I’m Kochava. I’m a Jewish convert and the voice behind Building a Jewish Life.com. I’ve been helping people navigate conversion since 2010.
So the first mistake is trying to be “perfect” instead of present.
This is the urge to “perform” instead of growing.
You are here to grow and build a Jewish life. You are not perfect. No one is. There is no perfect Jew. Every Jewish person you meet makes mistakes regularly. I guarantee it.
This makes me sound like a horrible person, but I do really enjoy when I see people make mistakes because it reminds me that it’s not just me. And I feel better. so yes, in case you were wondering, I am a terrible person,
But that impulse is very human. I know you do it sometimes too.
But perfectionism will bite you in the end. You will drive yourself too hard and you will burn out.
Then you’ll think, “maybe I’m not cut out for this,” or “maybe I’m not good enough for this,” but you’re just burned out. You need rest. And you need to be a little more realistic with what you’re capable of.
So what should you do instead? Show up authentically and consistently. And if you are ADHD like me, consistently might be a problem. You do the best you can and you get back up on the wagon every time you fall off.
The important part is you keep trying again.
The next one is very similar to perfectionism. It’s overlearning and then burning yourself out that way.
when you get started, you have the temptation to read literally everything at once,
but reading isn’t the only way to learn and you need to take it slow.
Slow, layered, learning will just stick better and it’ll make better habits and better connections You’re in this for the long haul, aren’t you?
Build a Jewish life with a good, strong foundation.
So what can you do to help with that? You could make set learning times, and stop yourself from learning outside those times. If you have a problem with putting the books down, and maybe you’re not living the rest of your life because you are, you’re all the way down deep in your Jewish rabbit hole. Friends still matter.
Social life still matters. Seeing your family still matters. Don’t let these things fall to the wayside just because you have more things to do and learn.
Building on that one. The next mistake is learning all the time and not actually doing anything.
Conversion isn’t just Torah and halacha. It’s community, it’s joy. It’s the daily rituals of life.
But I’m a nerd and I’m autistic. I like to live inside my head.
It is hard getting out there with the real people and like putting myself in front of them where they could judge me.
Everyone is afraid of being judged, but you don’t learn unless you stick your neck out.
It’s also how you’re gonna build the best connections, and that is what’s going to help you stay in this for the long haul. You need mentors, you need friends, you need peers. You should go to classes, but you should also go to meals.
You shouldn’t spend three weeks learning all about the brachot the blessings we make before eating and drinking, and still not have actually said a single bracha.
Throw perfectionism out the window. Do it messy. That’s how you learn.
Going back to what we said earlier, you’re gonna get it wrong. That’s just a fact. But it’ll be okay. You’ll figure it out.
And you don’t find the really juicy questions until you’ve been trying it yourself.
Next, comparing yourself against born Jews and other converts We just talked about the fear of other people judging you. But let’s be honest, you are the harshest judge of yourself.
You’re probably looking all around and seeing how everyone else has got it all figured out, but not you. First off, that’s not true. I pretty much came to the conclusion that all adults are just middle schoolers with cars and credit cards. None of us has it figured out.
Every path looks different. Every life looks different, and none of that is what you see online. What you see online is not real. Even my stuff. We’re all presenting a facade to the world how we want them to see us.
Don’t compare yourself to someone else’s imaginary version of themselves.
Besides, your goal here isn’t to be better than anyone. Your goal is to be the best version of yourself,
Who does mitzvot with passion and joy.
Mitzvot are not a competition. Don’t make it one.
Now that you’ve had hard conversations with yourself. Let’s talk about having hard conversations with your rabbi. Fun, right?
Don’t let things fester with a rabbi. This guy’s kind of got your life in his hands. You should probably be honest and expect honesty from him as well. Hard conversations are going to be necessary in such a messy personal process,
whether that’s politics, boundaries, neurodivergence, family issues. You’re gonna have to cover some pretty personal stuff with your rabbi.
Learn how to maintain those boundaries, but also ask for the information you need and not hide away from the hard conversation.
Bring up your concerns respectfully but clearly, and I know that is the most frightening thing to you, because what if he takes it poorly and you get kicked out?
I can’t control what that Rabbi does, but I know you’ll have respect for yourself that you’ve done the right thing and you acted like a grownup in the situation when he didn’t.
Let’s go back to more hard conversations with yourself. Putting your entire life on pause. This one is kind of hard to fault people for, especially if you’re in the orthodox conversion process. You do really feel like your life is paused. You can’t date, you can’t get married.
You probably can’t move anywhere. It might be difficult to change your job without rabbi’s approval.
These are all super real valid concerns, but I would encourage you to live your life as fully as you can despite those limitations. Don’t let your relationships flounder. Don’t give up on your special interests and hobbies. You’re still you and you still deserve a full life throughout this whole process.
You’re a complicated person with a lot of facets. All of those parts of you deserve to grow. They are going to still be part of you in this new Jewish version of you too.
Somewhat related? Uh. Kind of a side point on this one is don’t give up everything you’ve ever loved, because some rabbi tells you it’s not holy. I have known way too many people who were extremely upset with their past selves because they threw out their entire music collection or their entire movie collection.
Or a piece of clothing that had great personal significance to you. You don’t have to watch it. You don’t have to listen to it. You don’t have to wear it. But if it’s special to you, keep it. You might change your mind later. Most people go harder for a while and then ease back a little.
Most things can be replaced, though. If it’s really that important to you, you’ll replace it.
So just try to be careful with the things that aren’t replaceable.
Jewish you is still going to be you with the same interests, likes, dislikes. You’re building a new life, but it’s built on the foundation of the one you already have.
Your old life is not evil. Your old life is the life that God decided you should have.
Don’t waste time worrying about what was in the past. Build in the future.
And the last mistake we’re gonna cover for today. ’cause let’s be honest, there are still plenty more mistakes you could make. It’s a bottomless well of mistakes. Great. Great. Lots of content, right? Yeah.
Don’t think the mikvah is the finish line.
The mikvah is the starting line.
A post-conversion emotional crash is really common because sometimes people feel like they’re gonna step out of the mikvah and feel like they have a new soul. And most people don’t. Most people still feel like themselves.
People want the mikvah to be a spiritual high, but sometimes you’re upset because the subway was late, and now you are late and you’re all in a tizzy.
In most ways, mikvah day is still going to be a normal day. You might still have to go to your landlord’s to drop off your rent check. You still might need to feed your kids eight times a day. Why do children eat this much?
Seriously.
Your cat might throw up on the floor. Mikvah Day is going to be a normal day in your life, a special day, but still part of your everyday life.
After you step out of the mikvah, you’re again starting with a new foundation, building that Jewish life. It’s a process that is always ongoing.
Your Jewish life will never be “complete.” You will never reach a “finish line.”
So continue building support systems and practices that can serve you long term because this is your life you’re talking about.
What I want you to take away from this is that mistakes are part of the process. And most of them aren’t even failures. They’re signs that you care deeply. That’s a good thing.
If you recognize yourself in these, it’s not that you’re doing anything wrong, it just means you’re human and you’re learning.
If you want support that meets you where you are right now as a real person, check out my page at Building a Jewish Life.com.
If you’ve managed to stay around the video this long, first, thank you. Second, drop down in the comments below if you’ve experienced any of these “mistakes.”
Or if there’s one I missed that you wish someone had warned you about.
So subscribe for more tools to build your Jewish life with less fear and more heart. Shabbat Shalom.
