Am I Jewish Enough? Let’s Talk About Patrilineal Descent and Conversion
You grew up Jewish. You lit candles, you went to Hebrew school, maybe even had a bar or bat mitzvah. And then—someone told you you’re not really Jewish.
Welcome to the heartbreakingly common experience of patrilineal Jews.
In this video, I break down what patrilineal descent means, how different Jewish movements treat it, and why it matters—emotionally, spiritually, and practically. We’ll talk about the grief and anger many people feel when they find out their Jewish identity isn’t recognized in certain spaces, and what your options are moving forward.
There are no easy answers here. But there is compassion, context, and clarity.
Whether you’re considering conversion, navigating conflicting messages, or just trying to make sense of your story—this one’s for you.
💙 You’re not alone. And you deserve honest, respectful information as you figure out what Jewishness means in your life.
👉 Want extra support as you sort through it all? Join the mailiing list in the sidebar on the right for access to my free Resource Library—including printables, guides, and tools to help you navigate building a Jewish life with clarity and care.
Transcript below.
Transcript:
You grew up Jewish, but then others said you’re not Jewish at all.
Let’s talk about patrilineal descent, and Jewish conversion.
This is a topic that is complicated and pretty heavy, and quite frankly, the comment section is gonna be full of trolls. So, uh, I’m not looking forward to that.
But people deserve to have good information, so we’re gonna get through it.
If you have only a Jewish father and you’ve ever wondered whether you’re “Jewish enough,” this is a video for you.
You’re definitely not alone.
So let’s try to explore this together.
In traditional Jewish law, Jewish status is passed down through the mother because it’s easy to know who a mother is. It is not easy to know who a father is. If you need a biology lesson in why that is, I am not able to help you today.
So this is called matrilineal descent. So if your mom’s Jewish, you’re Jewish, period. End of story. Even if your family has not been actively Jewish for generations, if you can trace it back mother to mother to mother, you are still Jewish with no action required from you.
You just are.
But what if your dad’s Jewish and your mom isn’t? That’s called patrilineal descent.
Some Jewish movements,
basically the reform movement
and the newer movements that are popping up In recent decades,
they recognize patrilineal descent to a degree. You have to have been raised Jewish, which means that you as a child would’ve been involved in active public Jewish rituals. You would’ve done things like have a confirmation, a bar or bat mitzvah, and if you didn’t have those things and you’re patrilineal, the reform movement also wouldn’t recognize you as Jewish.
The orthodox and conservative movements don’t recognize patrilineal descent at all .
They generally require patrilineal Jews to go through conversion.
But on the bright side, that conversion can be a little easier than it is for someone like me who has not a single Jew in the family tree.
So why does this question of Jewish status even matter?
It can determine what you’re allowed to do in Jewish communities. For example, it may affect your ability to get married by a rabbi or in a synagogue.
It could affect your ability to join a synagogue as a member.
It can even affect your burial rights in a Jewish cemetery.
For many patrilineal Jews,
this can be a source of confusion, exclusion, and identity struggle. I have been physically present for two different people learning in the moment that people don’t recognize patrilineal Jews as Jews, and both of them had been raised to believe that they were Jewish. And I cannot tell you how soul crushing it was to watch.
I’ve been working in conversion for 15 years I have met and worked with so many patrilineal Jews. And I would have to say that the most common emotion that I see in them is anger and grief, and quite frankly, I don’t blame them.
I would feel the exact same way if I was in that situation. Some people are mad at their dads. Some people are mad at their parents for not warning them. Some people are mad at reform synagogues where they did grow up Jewishly for not warning them. And a lot of them are mad at Judaism and leaders in Judaism.
It doesn’t feel fair.
It cuts to the core of who we are as people. When you have been raised to believe that you’re Jewish and then to have someone tell you that you’re not actually Jewish.
There are no good answers honestly.
By profession, I’m a lawyer and a lot of this is kind of like immigration law, and I can tell you that immigration law sucks and is unfair and does not feel good. And I think that Jewish status laws also can feel that way because at the end of the day, lines have to be drawn and inevitably there are going to be people on the other side of the line.
I wish I had better answers.
But what I can offer is my sympathy and giving you the options so that you can make a choice that works best for you because only you can decide what to do with this information.
The number one reason I’ve seen for patrilineal Jews converting is because they become more religious. They’re starting to be active in a community that doesn’t recognize them as Jewish.
So usually, whether or not you pursue conversion depends on the Jewish community you wanna join.
you are considering conversion as a patrilineal Jew, there is a Jewish concept you should know about called Zera Yisrael. It means the ” seed of Israel.” And people don’t really talk about this very much, but it’s kind, at least the way that I was taught is that it is almost like an in-between status, not Jewish, but also not, not Jewish.
While they’re not considered fully Jewish, according to orthodox and conservative standards, there is an acknowledgement that there is a connection.
The practical results of this is many times, if you’re a patrilineal Jew, your conversion process is much faster and easier. It may not be actually fast, it still will probably be at least a year. I’ll link to videos up there about how long conversion takes.
But for one. Most rabbis won’t discourage someone who is a Zera Yisrael. I have heard rabbis say it is prohibited to discourage a conversion candidate who is Zera Yisrael. You are to be welcomed and encouraged to convert.
And sometimes that can make the hurdles you have to jump over a little bit easier.
And I would be lying if I did not say that when I was converting. I was really jealous of that.
But in retrospect, both of our groups have different struggles, and boy are they struggles.
So if you are Zera Yisrael and you’re considering conversion. Here’s just a rough breakdown of what conversion takes, and I’ll link above again to a video that details how to start a conversion. I’ll link up there to my guide to conversion.
I like to break down conversion into three steps: learning it, living, it, being it.
You are gonna learn a lot. You’re gonna learn holidays, you’re gonna learn laws, you’re gonna learn practices. There’s a lot of book reading, probably taking an Intro to Judaism class. And this is usually why conversion is at least a year long. Rabbis generally wanna see you work through an entire year of holidays, an entire cycle of the Jewish year.
” Living it,” pretty self-explanatory: that you’re actually practicing Jewishly. You are doing mitzvot. You are involved in the community. You’re out there doing the reps, as they say.
” Being it” is about community and identity. Whether you’re actually integrating into the community, whether you are acting as part of a People and finding your place within the People and learning to see yourself as a Jew, which Zera Yisrael has a leg up on us there. ‘ cause you already view yourself as Jewish.
The more practical aspects is you’re gonna study with a rabbi. You’re gonna work with a beit din, which is a rabbinic court, usually of three rabbis. And in the conservative and orthodox movements, it’s going to be three men.
You’re gonna have an oral exam when you’re ready in front of that beit din, and they will give you the a okay to go ahead. If you’re male, then you will get a circumcision, or what’s called a hatafat dam brit, which is a ceremonial drop of blood drawn from the circumcision area if you’re already circumcised. The Ultimate Guide to Jewish Conversion has a lot more information on that.
And the last step is going to the mikvah, which is a ritual immersion in a special pool of water.
But overall, conversion is just as much a spiritual and emotional journey as it is a legal one. And for you, if you’re Zera Yisrael, it may be even more emotional than most people’s.
Patrilineal Jews may be navigating family dynamics and community reactions.
There are always thoughtless people who will say stupid things once they know your background.
But more than that, sometimes parents don’t really like their children getting a conversion. Sometimes it can create real problems within the family relationship. Fathers and mothers can be angry, can feel rejected.
Most people I’ve known were able to work through these emotions.
Conversion is complicated, even when it’s good.
If you’re still watching this video. I assume it’s probably something that matters to you. Please know that you deserve support and help
as you figure out what Jewishness means to you and whether to engage further with it or not. You’re not alone. There are so many people in that exact same spot and so many people have gone before you. There are mentors out there, people who can talk you through how they approached it.
If you do decide to pursue a conversion, that’s what I do. I’ve been helping people navigate conversion for over 15 years through my blog, Building a Jewish Life.
If you want support as you’re moving forward on a conversion path, if you join my mailing list, I have a full Resource Library that has a bunch of printables and trackers and things like that that can help you.
I really hope that you find the compassionate help that you deserve.
