Converting to Judaism is already hard… don’t make it harder.
I’ve spent over 15 years helping people navigate the Jewish conversion process—and I’ve made more than a few mistakes myself. Some of them were honest. Some were based in fear or confusion. And some… well, I didn’t know any better.
But here’s the thing: there are common pitfalls that can seriously delay your conversion—or even get you removed from the process entirely. Most people don’t talk about them, and rabbis don’t always warn you until it’s too late.
In this video, I’m walking you through the biggest mistakes I see conversion candidates make—and what to do instead. Because you deserve a process that’s empowering, not panic-inducing.
Let’s keep you moving forward, with confidence and clarity.
Grab the free Rabbi Meeting Prep Sheet inside my Resource Library – it’s designed to help you track your progress, organize your questions, and avoid the common missteps that can stall your conversion.
When you join the mailing list in the sidebar on the right, you’ll get instant access to the full library of free tools made just for conversion candidates and other Jewish seekers. 💙
Transcript below.
Transcript:
📍 Converting to Judaism is hard enough, but what if you’re accidentally shooting yourself in the foot? 📍 Today we’re talking about some of the most common mistakes
people make during the conversion process and what to do instead.
If you’re converting to Judaism, listen up. The process is already long and hard, which you might know. If you don’t, sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But there are mistakes sometimes people make without realizing it,
that can seriously undermine your progress or even get you kicked out of a program.
Hi, I’m Kochava. I’ve been helping people convert to Judaism for 15 years through my blog, Building a Jewish Life.com. And I was kicked out of a beit din. I made some of these mistakes, but based on the investigations that happened with my new beit din, my understanding is that all of my kicking out just came down to rabbinic bullies and a sexual harasser.
So
I can tell you getting kicked out of beit din is real. I have seen people go through it. It sucks. So let’s make sure that’s not you.
But if it is, don’t worry. It’s usually fixable.
So today I am gonna walk you through what not to do. And what to do instead, so you can stay on track, stay grounded, and get that conversion finished .
Mistake number one while converting to Judaism, ghosting the rabbi.
Some of you treat the rabbi like that friend you mean to text back, but keep forgetting. I get it. Sometimes it’s nerves. You’re just terrified of saying the wrong things, so you don’t text back or email back or call back right away, and then the longer it gets, the worse you feel about it and think you’re gonna be in trouble.
So you keep waiting longer instead, which just makes the problem worse. So
ghosting your rabbi, whether that’s weeks without an update or skipping scheduled meetings can be a huge red flag. Their time is valuable.
I’ll tell you a secret. Rabbis are not paid particularly well, and they are constantly on call. They have a lot of work.
I’m gonna link above to another video about how conversion candidates should not feel like they are a burden on the rabbi’s time. But you should also recognize that the rabbi has a lot of responsibilities and you are only one small part. Treat it with respect.
I was in my twenties when I was converting, and quite frankly, I was an idiot. I can’t really defend some of the things that I did. A lot of them were rooted in anxiety, just like I described above.
I often went really long times not giving an update just because I didn’t want to bother the rabbi. Sometimes your job is to bother the rabbi. If you’re having a hard time figuring out how much contact is appropriate, reach out to a trusted friend or a mentor or someone in the community.
Get a second opinion. Even better, ask the rabbi themselves what they want.
But then again, if you have a crappy rabbi, you may get a really rude answer. But if that’s the case, the problem is with the rabbi, not you.
If you go quiet, the rabbi is gonna assume that you’ve lost interest.
And if your rabbi thinks that you are not serious, they’re gonna deprioritize you. For all those reasons I’ve listed above.
They might even remove you from consideration entirely. You should be serious about converting to Judaism, and if they don’t think you’re serious, that is going to be the death of your conversion.
So what to do instead. Even if you’re stuck, busy, or uncertain what to say, or nervous about what to say, just check in periodically. And a little advice from your resident lawyer, put it in writing. It’s a good idea to just have stuff in writing, so I’m always gonna suggest email for this.
You can make your updates really short. You don’t even have to ask for a response. You can say, “just wanted to say, I’m still here and still learning. Here’s what I’m working on.” You’re not asking a lot of the rabbi unless you need something. You can send that every week, every two weeks.
I would do it at least once a month.
But in a lot of cases, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
You wanna keep that relationship alive and growing, and it shows that you’re still committed.
Mistake number two I see in Jewish conversion candidates: arguing every halakha.
This one’s kind of complicated. I kind of have mixed feelings about it. It’s again, putting on my lawyer hat. It reminds me of the famous case about pornography, where the United States Supreme Court said, ” I don’t know how to define it, but I know it when I see it.” That’s how I feel about the “arguing every halakha” idea.
Conversion candidates absolutely ask why all the time. And you should! You should be asking lots of questions and I will link above to my video about red flags in the conversion process because a rabbi telling you not to ask questions is a huge red flag. A rabbi shaming you for questions is even worse.
But if your every conversation is argument and pushback and explaining why this particular mitzvah isn’t relevant anymore, or why it should be done this way and not that way,
that reads as resistance or just unpleasantness. Remember that Judaism is a community. Part of the conversion process does come down to getting along in the community. It’s not fair, especially if you’re coming from a background where you view it purely as a religion, but Judaism is a People, and
if you alienate the people around you, they’re not gonna do the extra stuff that they need to do to make you a Jew.
Your rabbi doesn’t need you to agree with every single thing immediately.
But they do need to see an openness to learning new things and growing. You should be flexible. You’re gonna need a lot of flexibility if you’re gonna make it through a conversion process.
So what to do instead? Frame your questions as curiosity rather than combativeness.
Use phrasing like, “can you help me understand this better” rather than, “that’s outdated and doesn’t make any sense.”
Mistake number three I see in Jewish conversion. And absolutely one that I have been guilty of, especially as a hyperverbal autistic person:
Oversharing trauma, history, and personal drama.
Your rabbi is not your therapist. Your rabbi also doesn’t need your entire life story in order to understand how your life led to you wanting to convert. For one, they don’t have time. For two, let’s be honest, rabbis get a lot of sob stories and it’s not fun being on the other side of a sob story.
Sometimes it’s necessary. Absolutely. But when it’s a persistent pattern, that’s a problem.
If you’re sharing deeply personal stories, traumas,
or family drama every time you meet, it can create discomfort.
And rabbis might see that as a sign that you’re not emotionally ready. That goes again to what we were saying in mistake number two about being combative. You need to show that you are emotionally mature in a sense. Because these rabbis are human. They don’t have to be friends with you.
But if they intensely do not like you, you’re probably not gonna go anywhere. Sad but true.
And for three, there are a lot of people who are mentally unbalanced who get really interested in spirituality. Rabbis deal a lot with people who are in mental health crises.
You don’t want them to think that that’s you.
Because then they’re not gonna think that you’re in the right mind to be able to convert.
What to do instead: keep the focus on your Jewish journey.
If something personal is affecting your journey, that’s fine to share. Talk about it briefly. They don’t need all the hot goss. That’s gossip, if you’re over 40, like me.
So share briefly and ask for resources or even advice,
but don’t process your life story at length in these meetings.
It should be relatively short and action centered. What do you need to do to move forward on it? You’re asking for help to move forward.
Mistake number four that I see in conversion candidates: shopping around without transparency.
I get it. Sometimes you’re exploring multiple rabbis, and quite frankly, you should.
But hiding that or treating the rabbis like they’re a bunch of people interviewing for a job can backfire.
If they find out that you’re consulting with other rabbis without being upfront about it, you look shady.
They will understand that you are talking to other rabbis and considering all your options. Quite frankly, that makes you look more serious.
You’re getting all the information.
What to do instead? Be honest.
You can say something like, “I’m still discerning the best way forward. So I’ve been speaking with Rabbis X and Y to understand more about my options.”
In short, honesty breeds trust. Sneaking around erodes trust.
You’re gonna need your rabbi to trust you if you want to be able to convert. Again, it’s going back to everything we’ve talked about so far. Do you look like a reasonable grownup person who is going to be a contribution to the community ?
Mistake number five that I see in Jewish conversion candidates: acting like you’re already Jewish.
I know the feeling. You’re deep into the learning,
and you’ve been showing up to synagogue.
And it feels natural to say “we Jews” and “our holidays,”
and to a degree that’s normal. That’s part of the normal process of building a Jewish identity,
but presenting yourself as Jewish before you’ve completed the process when it matters,
that makes rabbis and other people uncomfortable.
Essentially, it comes down to people don’t wanna feel lied to.
So if someone’s counting for a minyan to make sure that there are 10 Jews in order to do the prayer services, don’t volunteer yourself as one of the 10. You’re going to have to be open that you are not Jewish, so that they don’t accidentally count you. I was in that position when I was doing my conservative conversion and it sucks.
I hated having to out myself as a conversion candidate every time a new person was doing the counting. But it’s necessary and it’s important.
What to do instead: embrace where you are. You can use phrases like ” I’m in the conversion process.” “I’m studying for conversion. ” ” After my conversion is complete. “
It signals respect for the process and the community.
Mistake number six that I see Jewish conversion candidates making: starting a romantic relationship mid-conversion. This one’s a controversial one. People have big feelings on this, especially the young folks, and I know because I was one of the young folks 15 years ago when I was in the conversion process, and I absolutely made this mistake. In both of my conversions
in fact. Hormones are a hell of a drug.
This is the big mistake because this is the mistake I see most often.
Dating during conversion generally isn’t prohibited. But it’s risky and it’s frowned upon.
Many people enter the conversion process already dating someone. That’s fine. Be upfront about it. Don’t try to make them believe you’re not in a relationship. Actually we should add that to make that mistake 6b: hiding your relationship at the beginning of the conversion process.
Everyone knows that relationships with Jewish people is one of the biggest drivers to conversion. That’s what happened to me. I was dating a nice Scottish Jewish boy, and that’s when I started considering conversion.
We didn’t make it that much longer after it, but I stuck with the Jewish stuff,
And I ended up converting over seven years after that relationship ended.
But it doesn’t change the fact that my journey started with a romantic relationship. As many peoples’ do.
So my advice, and I assure you it is hard won advice, if you enter the conversion process single, stay single. If you enter the process with a partner and you break up during the process, which is extremely common by the way, don’t date after that. It just adds too many complications and too much drama.
Everything is gonna go much faster if you don’t date, but that’s hard when you are converting for years and years. Like I said, my conversion was over seven years. 19, 19 or 20 until 27. That’s a long time. And those are your prime dating years. It’s hard.
And I tried to do it. I knew that that’s what I should do. But when you think that the right person has come along, it is so hard to worry that you’ll miss the boat. That’s a real fear.
But I believe there is a purpose in your life,
and right now that may be what’s asked of you.
So if you’re in the conversion process and you start a relationship, for one, if it’s a relationship with someone who is not Jewish, even if you are in a reform or conservative conversion, rabbis are gonna be very concerned about that. That doesn’t look like you are trying to build a Jewish life with a Jewish partner, so that’s already gonna be a huge red flag to your rabbis.
If it is a Jewish partner,
the rabbis, rightly or wrongly, may question your motives. Even if your intentions are pure, it can look like you’re converting for them. From my perspective, you are already in the conversion process and then you were dating someone Jewish. That makes perfect sense to me. I don’t know why they would question your motives, but they do. It doesn’t have to make sense I guess.
But I will tell you another practical aspect of this is, especially for women in the Jewish conversion process, be very skeptical of any man that wants to date you. There is often an issue with power imbalances in those relationships, and oftentimes there is a very old and very offensive practice of “Shiksas are for practice.”
Shiksa being a extremely derogatory, insulting word for a non-Jewish woman. Don’t recommend you ever use the word shiksa for any purpose. We’re not reclaiming this word. It means abomination.
So this idea of “shiksas are for practice,” meaning that you can date non-Jewish girls so that then you can go on to marry a Jewish girl. That translates a lot into conversion relationships. It’s like, especially for people who might be too uncomfortable to actually date non-Jewish women, but someone in the process is like close enough.
I can speak from experience with someone that I was talking with during my conversion, but we had chosen not to date. As soon as I actually converted, he was no longer interested. Suddenly shit became real, and I was actually a possible marriage partner, and he realized that
I had things that were a deal breaker for him.
So this sort of casualness and excitement of a relationship that’s kind of sorta taboo can really bring out men who are not good for you.
What to do instead? If you’re thinking about dating someone, talk to your rabbi before you make it official. If you do make it official, be transparent as soon as possible.
But even more important, be sure to show that your Jewish growth is independent of this partner.
If the relationship ended tomorrow, would you still be converting? That’s what they wanna know.
Make sure that your actions make the answer obvious. A bonus tip for mistakes that Jewish conversion candidates make in the process. Don’t try to be perfect. If you try to perform as the ideal conversion candidate, you’re gonna come off as fake. You don’t need to be flawless. Rabbis know you’re a beginner.
Rabbis know you’re gonna make mistakes. Judaism has great processes in place for us when we make mistakes. I’ll link above to a video about that being my real point that I realized Judaism was for me. It met us where we are as humans and acknowledging that we are going to make mistakes and give us the tools to repair the mistake.
That’s what your rabbi is gonna be looking for: when you make mistakes, how do you repair that? How do you make it better, as Daniel Tiger would say.
What they’re looking for is sincerity, humility, growth, and commitment. You are making a lifelong commitment. Act like it.
So let’s recap real quick. The top mistakes that I see Jewish conversion candidates making.
Don’t ghost your rabbi. Don’t argue everything just to win.
Don’t overshare.
Don’t shop around in secret.
Don’t pretend you’re already Jewish. And don’t let a relationship determine your Jewish path.
Want tools to help you stay grounded and consistent during your conversion? Go to Building a Jewish Life.com and join the mailing list.
Then you’ll get instant access to my Resource Library, which includes printables, like the Rabbi Meeting Prep sheet where you can game out these meetings you’re gonna have with the rabbis and what your questions are and what you need from them.
It’s all free.
So tell me in the comments, which one of these mistakes are you most worried about?
