If the words “High Holidays” make your stomach drop instead of your heart lift, you’re in good company. These days are meant to be holy – but between synagogue tickets, menus, schedules, and a chorus of “am I doing this right?”, they can spiral into stress fast.
That’s exactly why I made this video: the 10 biggest High Holiday mistakes I see every year – plus a bonus one that might be the most important. We’ll talk perfectionism vs. procrastination, synagogue tickets (yes, why and how they work and how to get free or discounted ones), fasting plans, boundaries, and how to find meaning without burning out.
Want a head start? Grab my Essential Jewish Holiday Planning Guide — checklists, prompts, and simple structures to help you walk in calm instead of scrambling.
I’ve made most of these mistakes myself (hi, I’m an ADHD convert who has cried over brisket and forgotten tickets). You don’t have to. Hit play, take what helps, and let this season be about renewal, not guilt. Chag sameach!
Transcript below.
Transcript:
If the words “High Holidays” make your stomach drop instead of your heart lift, you’re not alone. Let’s talk about why.
The Jewish high Holidays are supposed to feel holy, so why do they often feel like stress, guilt, and overwhelm?
If you’ve ever walked into synagogue without a machzor, forgot to buy synagogue tickets, or ended up crying over brisket, this video is for you.
The Jewish New Year is coming, and let’s be honest, most of us are not feeling ready. Here are the mistakes that make it worse.
Hi, I’m Kochava. I’m a Jewish convert, and I’ve been helping people convert to Judaism since 2010 through my blog, Building a Jewish Life.com.
I have made almost every High Holiday mistake you can think of: perfectionism. Procrastination. Forgetting synagogue tickets.
And I don’t want you to repeat them. In fact, that’s why I started a Jewish blog. I kept making mistakes and I hated that there were no answers to prevent me from making those mistakes in the first place.
So subscribe for more if you wanna learn how to avoid mistakes.
Every year, I see people make the same mistakes during the High Holidays.
I’m gonna share here the top 10 mistakes to avoid,
plus a bonus one at the end that might actually be the most important one.
Stick around, you’ll wanna hear it.
Mistake number one on the Jewish High Holidays: chasing perfection or nothing at all.
Holidays bring out the perfectionist in so many of us. The perfect meal, the spotless house, the well-behaved children, the right outfit, the right feeling in your heart.
And when that gets overwhelming, which it should, we flip into the opposite and then we do nothing at all.
Either way, we’re missing the point.
Judaism isn’t a cooking show or a cleaning competition or a purity test.
It’s about meaning, not performance.
And anyone who judges you harshly for those things is not your friend.
And I’m gonna guess their opinion probably shouldn’t count.
Mistake number two on the Jewish High Holidays: waiting until the last minute.
I am ADHD. I know chaos.
I have been there scrambling the night before, googling recipes and then realizing that I don’t even have time to go to the store to get the right ingredients.
Or worse, realizing you forgot to buy the synagogue tickets… when you showed up at the front door and they turned you away.
The stress of last minute prep eats away any chance of walking into the holidays calmly and meaningfully.
Starting just one or two major things ahead of time can shift the whole energy of the season.
Mistake number three I see people making around the Jewish High Holidays: showing up unprepared.
Not checking the service schedule because it may be different and it’s probably longer than normal. Forgetting to take time off of work or school. I’ve got a video up here that’ll help you ask for that time off if you need it. It even gives you a straight script you can just plug in and use.
Not using a machzor.
We will get into that in a minute. Assuming parking will work itself out magically. I’ve made all of these mistakes, sometimes more than once because as I said, I’m ADHD, and it’s very hard for me to remember a mistake that I made from a whole year ago.
I once had to park a half a mile away from the synagogue because there were so many people attending and so little street parking, and then I was almost turned away because they couldn’t find my name on the list for tickets. That was a bad year.
Maybe you didn’t even realize that in most communities, Rosh Hashanah is two days, not one.
So maybe you show up the first day, but forget the second day.
And one for my noise sensitive people: not knowing what a shofar is, and then getting surprised and freaked out by the really loud noise.
Pro tip: if you have never heard the shofar before, definitely search for it on YouTube and watch a video of what it sounds like. And usually in a synagogue, they’re gonna be much bigger than this, like home-based shofar here, this is more of a normal one, but they have fancier ones at synagogue.
And here’s the big one that I’ve been referring to throughout the video: tickets. Most synagogues require paid tickets to attend services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
Not because they’re trying to gatekeep or something, but because they need to manage space. There is usually way more demand than there is seats in the building. Because most Jews only go to synagogue on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
In fact, there’s a whole name for that called “High Holiday Jews.”
The services have space limits. Many rent larger venues than normal. And of course, nowadays there is a lot more security involved than there used to be, and someone’s gotta pay for that.
It is also usually the largest fundraiser of the year for a synagogue.
If you’re already a member of the synagogue, you might already have tickets included in your membership… but you might not. You might still have to pay for tickets on top of your membership, though usually at a discounted rate compared to a non-member.
If you’re not a member, the synagogues sell tickets. And yes, you can buy a ticket even if you are not Jewish yet. You know, I work primarily with people who are converting. It is totally fine and appropriate for you to buy tickets and go to these services.
A mistake that I made for several years in the beginning of my conversion process, when I was still trying to figure out if this Jewish thing was for me- I didn’t go on the High Holidays because I knew there was space constraints. I knew that people had to buy tickets, and I felt that it was unfair and not allowed for me to take that space from a Jew.
First off, there is no guarantee you’re taking it from a Jew, and the whole point is for you to learn. You are absolutely appropriate to buy a ticket and go to the services. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, and most of the time the person who’s gonna be telling you that is you.
So the real problem with these tickets is that they are super expensive.
They are usually hundreds of dollars and I have seen a synagogue charge over a thousand dollars for tickets.
But there is always free and discounted tickets, especially for students.
I’m gonna link below down in the description to my blog post that goes into detail about how synagogue tickets work. and gonna tell you how to find free or discounted tickets. In short, if you’re a student, contact the local Hillel or Chabad or Jewish Student Union. Usually they arrange for a set of tickets for students, but you can also contact the synagogue directly.
And that is true for anyone who would have a hard time affording those tickets. I have been there many years. It is humbling and it is not fun to have to ask for discounted, um, or free tickets. And there have been times when people have given me a hard time about it, and quite frankly, that was wrong of them.
But people are people, and people are not always nice. You have the right to ask for this, and rarely do they have the right to deny you, but they might, but you’ll never know if you don’t ask.
The key is do not wait until the last minute.
Call ahead, email, check their website so that you’re prepared for the ticket situation.
Every single one of the slipups you’ve heard me describe in this video left me flustered, hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, and left out.
A little bit of prep here can go a long way, and you’ve won half the battle just by listening to this video so that you know that these are issues you need to deal with. For so many years, I didn’t even know that this was the problem.
Even better, go with a friend or an acquaintance who knows a little bit more than you do.
And like most people, if you don’t know anyone, look for a friendly face of someone who looks like they know what they’re doing.
And ask them if they would be willing to help you with a few questions during the service. It happens all the time. Like I said, I, I’ve already described the phenomenon of High Holiday Jews. There are lots of people in Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services who have no idea what’s going on, and a lot of people who have no idea what’s going on at certain parts.
Maybe you went to the bathroom and you came back and now you have no idea where we are. These are normal things and people are usually really happy to help you out. Someone who is not is a jerk, and that is not a reflection on you. It is absolutely in your right to ask these questions and get good answers.
Anyone who doesn’t treat you with respect when you are asking these respectful, normal questions has a lot more atoning to do on Yom Kippur.
So most people will say yes. Or will be able to point you to someone who might be a better fit.
Now, another practical thing that I’ve alluded through this is the Machzor. It’s a special prayer book that is specific to a certain holiday. So these are two different Machzors for Rosh Hashanah. This is the normal size. This is, uh, usually called the student size. This is the company called Koren. This is the company called ArtScroll.
I will link to Machzors down below in the description so that you can get one if you would like.
And I’m gonna recommend that you buy or borrow a Machzor if you’re going to an Orthodox synagogue or if you’re gonna be praying at home.
You can use a regular prayer book, the Siddur. It does have instructions for the High Holidays inside it, but it’s in very small print and you have to jump around a lot. It’s just gonna be really complicated. You really want a Machzor, and the synagogues will provide them.
But the problem in orthodox synagogues is that not all of the Machzors have English in them. Most of them will be Hebrew only. They may also have some that have Russian, French, Spanish. That’s the only languages I personally have seen. Um, so if you wanna guarantee your language of choice, get there early or bring your own.
You might even be able to check one out from the local library or get them to do an inter-library loan to borrow it from a different library. It’s just gonna be so much easier if you have a Machzor that you’re comfortable with and can follow along.
In non-Orthodox synagogues, generally all of the Machzors are gonna be English and Hebrew together. They may have a limited number of those other languages, and my advice for you would be the same there if you want those languages.
They’re not terribly expensive, between usually 20 and $35, especially if you get the smaller size. If you have the eyesight to be able to read smaller print. I recently turned 40 and I don’t think I’m in that category anymore.
And I will tell you, this actually happened to me last year.
I was late and there were no more English Machzors. And what I did was I found someone who looked like they were in charge. I told them the problem, and they found someone who traded Machzors with me, someone who obviously had a much better handle on Hebrew than I do. If you’ve been around this channel any span of time, you know that my Hebrew is not good.
And spoiler alert, you can still be a good Jew with bad Hebrew.
Yes, I was incredibly embarrassed. Yes, I felt like I was inconveniencing people. But it was important, and I want you to advocate for yourself in the same way if you’re in that position.
It is a mitzvah for someone else to help you have a good davening experience. Give them the points they need for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, even if they maybe look a little inconvenienced as this guy did.
I honestly do not have good luck with the High Holidays. When I say that I have made every mistake, every year something goes wrong and I’m pretty sure it’s just me. I am a Murphy’s law machine. God willing, your experience will be absolutely boring and mundane and perfectly run of the mill.
That is what I wish for you.
So bringing it all together. Check the synagogue schedule, ask about the parking situation if you’re gonna be driving. Confirm your tickets.
And think about your Machzor plan. Future You will thank you.
Mistake number four that I see people making on the Jewish High Holidays: not making a plan for fasting on Yom Kippur. Whether you fast fully, or partially, or not at all, Yom Kippur requires preparation. Forgetting to hydrate in advance. Not having a good pre-fast meal. Forgetting to prep a post-fast meal until you are absolutely starving and feeling lightheaded.
Not arranging childcare or other child entertaining activities if you are a parent.
Not learning the signs of dehydration and knowing when it’s time to break your fast because your health is declining. That is a major pet peeve of mine that people should know how to fast safely.
Even if you’re not fasting, Yom Kippur is a long day with a lot of davening if you’re gonna be doing any of the prayers. Having food already made for your kids and downtime prepared, it really makes it more meaningful. If you have kids, you may find that many synagogues offer childcare for at least part of the day. Take advantage of it if you can. It does usually cost an extra price, but it’s not a crazy price in any of the places I have seen.
Planning ahead turns fasting or not into an intentional choice, not just a survival challenge. If you want more advice around fasting, on my website, Building a Jewish Life.com, I do have a fasting guide that lays out full fasting, different types of partial fasting, safety, how to prepare so that you have an easier fast, like the fact that most people’s headaches come from caffeine withdrawal.
So you wanna taper off your caffeine in the few days before a fast to give yourself a better chance of not being a headachy mess.
So that’s there if you would find that helpful.
Mistake number five I see people making on the High Holidays: overcommitting. Every service, every meal, every invitation. It all looks good on paper until your brain or body says, “Nope.”
Add in energy limits, neurodiversity, disability, chronic illness, parenting.
Overcommitting turns joy into burnout.
Saying yes to everything often means you’re not actually present for anything.
Choose the things that matter most to you this year, this holiday, and let the rest go. Next year is another chance. Especially if you’re early in taking on Jewish practices, don’t push yourself to the limit. You can grow every year and do more every year. You don’t have to do everything the first or second or fifth time if that’s not where you are right now.
That’s not failure. That’s wisdom.
Mistake number six of the Jewish High Holidays: not setting boundaries. Family expectations, community pressures, even work demands.
Everyone seems to want a piece of you this season. And if you don’t set your own limits, the holidays will run you over.
Saying “no” or “not this year” isn’t selfish. It’s how you protect what actually matters. Boundaries make space for meaning.
Mistake number seven of the Jewish High Holidays: not making real amends.
Here’s one people don’t always realize. Sure, Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement, we’ve all heard that. The day you’re supposed to get forgiveness for all the horrible things you’ve done for the last year.
But Yom Kippur only really covers harms between you and God. Yom Kippur does not make up for the harms between you and other people. Yom Kippur is one part of that, but first you have to make things right with the people you hurt.
You can’t just pray it away like some religions we might know. If you hurt someone, you need to apologize directly.
That’s part of Teshuvah, what we’re doing during this season. It’s usually translated as repentance, but it literally means turning.
Turning back, repairing, making things right. And yes, it is incredibly uncomfortable. It is one of those things that I feel like Judaism really nails it on the head and teaches you a very good way to heal relationships with other people. But boy, do I not wanna do it. And that is probably true of you too.
But that is where some of the deepest healing and meaning of this season can happen.
And if you’re wondering what the “right way” to apologize as a Jew is, check out this video above and it’ll also be down below.
It’ll walk you through it step by step. It’s a pretty easy process… on paper.
Mistake number eight that people make during the Jewish High Holidays: skipping the inner work.
It’s really easy to get caught up in the logistics. Hi, it’s me. I’m the one who gets caught up in logistics- meals, services, clothes, guests-
and can forget the entire point of the whole season: Reflection, teshuvah. Asking, “who have I become this year, and who do I wanna be this time next year?”
If we only manage the outside, the inside gets left behind.
Try to make even a little time for journaling, prayer, or quiet reflection during this season.
Mistake number nine of the Jewish High Holidays:
tunnel vision.
This season isn’t just the three days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
It starts the month before Rosh Hashanah in the Jewish month of Elul, and flows through Sukkot and Simchat Torah.
That whole arc is part of the rhythm of Jewish time.
When you zoom out, you can realize that you don’t have to cram all of your reflection and change into a week and a half.
The Jewish calendar already builds in breathing room and preparation time. Use it.
Also, Sukkot is a lot of fun. So is Simchas Torah. Give them a try if you’ve never celebrated them before. Sukkot’s my favorite holiday.
And finally, mistake number 10 that I see people making during the Jewish High Holidays: letting guilt steal the joy. This one might be the sneakiest. Guilt whispers “you’re not doing enough, you’re not Jewish enough. You messed it up already.” But guilt is not growth. In fact, guilt will harm your growth.
The holidays are also about sweetness and renewal and hope.
Don’t miss the joy just because you’re measuring yourself against an impossible standard, especially on social media.
Light the candles, taste the apples and honey, and let that be enough. You’re doing a good job.
And now the bonus mistake that I see people making during the Jewish High Holidays: carrying it all alone. I told you I’d share a bonus mistake. And honestly, this is probably the most important one.
Trying to carry the holidays all by yourself just makes everything heavier than it needs to be. Ask for help.
Take the cooking shortcuts. Buy the challah at the store.
Whether that’s asking someone, “Hey, what page are we on” to sharing the cooking with a roommate or family member or friend. You don’t have to do this alone. And Judaism would say you shouldn’t do it alone. And no, that person doesn’t have to be Jewish.
Use what you got.
As the old proverb says, “A burden shared is a burden halved,” and in fact, it’ll probably add to the joy of your season. And if those people don’t add to the joy of your season? Go back and review the boundaries mistake up above.
Okay. Every year I see the same patterns:
people trying to do too much, too late, with too little support. No wonder we’re burning out.
What if this year could actually feel different? It can, but only if you stop making these classic High Holiday mistakes.
Which of these mistakes hits home most for you? Drop it down in the comments.
And if you’re already thinking, “oh no, I’m behind!” Don’t panic.
I made The Essential Jewish Holiday Planning Guide for exactly that kind of feeling. It gives you checklists and prompts so that you can walk into the holidays calm instead of scrambling.
Grab your copy at Building a Jewish Life.com. I’ll drop the link down below.
And don’t forget to subscribe for more practical, meaningful ways to build a Jewish life you love. Chag sameach!
