One of the most anxiety-provoking moments in the Jewish conversion process is being asked a deceptively simple question: “Why do you want to convert to Judaism?“
For many conversion candidates, this question feels like a test of worthiness. People rehearse answers for weeks or months, worry that their motivations aren’t “good enough,” or freeze entirely out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Some even delay contacting a rabbi at all because they’re so afraid of this conversation.
But here’s the thing most people are never told: this question is not a test of sincerity, spiritual intensity, or certainty. It’s a diagnostic question, not a judgment.
In this video, I unpack what rabbis are actually listening for when they ask “why,” what they’re not listening for, and how misunderstanding this moment creates unnecessary fear and self-doubt. If this question has been looming over you or holding you back, this will help you approach it with much more clarity – and a lot less panic.
If you want help making sense of moments like this without spiraling or second-guessing yourself, that’s exactly what we do inside my membership, Bayit Builders. It’s a steady, thoughtful space for people building Jewish life in real time. You can learn more or join the wait list here.
Transcript below.
Transcript:
The “so why do you wanna convert to Judaism?” question isn’t a test of sincerity, it’s a test of something else entirely.
When a rabbi asks why you wanna convert, they’re usually not listening for the answer you spent weeks rehearsing, and misunderstanding the purpose of this question causes so much unnecessary anxiety.
I have seen people delay their conversions for months or even years because they are so afraid of having this conversation. They’re so afraid that their answer is not “good enough.”
And I get it. This feels like a really high stakes question, and quite frankly, it is, just not for the reasons you think.
I mean, yes, there is a basic standard of like, are you giving a reasonable answer, but 99.9 of you are going to give a reasonable, normal answer. If you’re way out in left field, then that’s a different problem.
So most of you have nothing really to worry about.
You’re so afraid of being rejected and like this rabbi has your entire life in their hands, and in a way, they kind of do.
It feels like your entire future is riding on this one sentence, but it’s not really.
I mean, yes, it is. You could certainly lose everything based on this sentence. But for most of you, it’s just a necessary hurdle that needs to be gotten over. It’s a prerequisite.
So you spend weeks or months rehearsing a “perfect” answer. You spend so much time criticizing yourself and looking inside yourself, trying to weed out what your true motivations are. And then questioning whether those are your real motivations or you’re somehow tricking yourself.
Like I wouldn’t know anything about that.
And then on the other side, you might be trying to find an answer that sounds mystical or impressive.
And trying to iron out any possible signs of doubt.
And then once it comes time for the actual question, people tend to freeze or overshare. Neither is good. I mean, they’re not that bad either as a general rule. This process is far more forgiving than you have been led to believe. Remember, you are a normal person.
They are a normal person. This is a high stakes, stressful interaction. They know that, and you know that. Unless they’re a jerk, which some rabbis are jerks, but most aren’t. So you’re probably gonna be fine, but I’m never gonna lie to you and say like it’s all sunshine and roses, ’cause it’s not.
So the basic idea you need to understand is that this question is not about your worthiness: “are you giving a good enough, spiritual enough answer?”
This isn’t a pop quiz on theology or measuring your passion, or on the flip side, measuring your lack of doubt.
It’s a diagnostic question.
The rabbis are looking for your process, not your outcome.
If your rabbi wanted a TED talk, they would ask you for slides.
So what are they not listening for?
Intensity. Suffering. Complete certainty.
A dramatic, cinematic story.
Or a finished conclusion.
You’re allowed to be in process. And in fact it’s probably better if you are.
Conversion is at its deepest about becoming, not arriving.
A harder story does not equal a holier story. Just because your story is kind of mundane and anticlimactic doesn’t make it any less valid. In fact, most stories are pretty anticlimactic. It’s just little things that just kept adding up.
But on the flip side, you also don’t want a trauma dump if your experience has been very different.
It’s about finding that middle balance when your process has been challenging so far.
So now let’s talk about what the rabbis are listening for.
First and foremost: self-awareness. Do you understand your own motivations? Do you have insight into yourself?
How well do you know yourself. And how well do you understand your past and how your past has led you to this moment? And how is that past impacting this present for you?
How do you see your future?
Are you realistic about yourself as a person? It’s all these ideas all mishmashed together into what essentially ends up being a vibe check of: do you sound like someone who knows what they’re talking about and knows themself?
Secondly and very closely related: they’re looking for emotional stability. Are you mentally well enough?
I don’t have hard statistics on this, but I’ve talked to a lot of converts and conversion candidates over the years, and I can tell you that a much higher proportion than the normal population has a history of abuse or trauma or mental illness. And that’s not to like make us bad, ’cause I’m all three of those.
So I’m neurodivergent. I have an abusive background.
And I gotta grab bag of mental illnesses.
You can still convert if you have all of those things. We are looking to see if you are in a lucid, sane thought process. It’s hard to figure out how to say this. I always think back to the mental illness called Jerusalem Syndrome, where people sometimes go to Israel and develop delusions that they are a savior or a prophet or some other spiritual creature with a message for people and they go off the deep end.
In this day and age, it is perfectly normal to take psychiatric medication and/or go to therapy.
Both of those things are a good sign that you are taking care of and prioritizing your mental health and your self-awareness. So personally, I view those things as a strength rather than a liability.
But of course your mileage will vary and there are ableists who hate mentally ill people and will assume the worst of you. That is the reality we live in, and it will be up to you how much and how you share about traumatic back stories or mental illness.
I can tell you from experience that oversharing is not the way.
Definitely don’t do that.
There’s a lot that I wished I had toned down, but I was young and enthusiastic and so, so desperate.
And next in the not so nice analysis is number three: your capacity for reflection. More specifically, have you really thought through what being Jewish could mean for your future? Do you understand antisemitism is a thing and that it is increasing at this time? Do you understand that you are putting yourself in harm’s way, potentially fatally, if you want to convert to Judaism?
Those are real questions that we all have to grapple with when we convert to Judaism.
And then number four, I’m not gonna assume every rabbi is really looking for this, but they should and the good ones will.
They should look to see your tolerance for ambiguity. What does that mean? Well, quite frankly, Judaism is a religion of questions and debate. There is often not a clear answer or different communities come down in different ways.
It is a delicate balance between finding the truth with a capital T and also understanding that that truth with a capital T can look differently for different people.
And yes, that is true even within the Orthodox. I think so many people have been given such a flat presentation of what Orthodox Jewish life is like, but there’s significant, wild variations between Orthodox communities.
There are many valid ways to be a Jew.
Is ambiguity going to crack your sense of truth and cause you to throw away the baby with the bath water? Because especially for those who are coming from a Christian background, there is a lot of “everything must be X, Y, Z.” Any deviation from that is heresy and terrible.
And sure. Judaism’s got heresy.
But it’s not as inflexible as Christianity is. Judaism is a very flexible religion that has a lot of permutations.
Is that going to ruin Judaism for you?
Is that a reality you are prepared to accept and embrace?
You can be too dogmatic in Judaism. And yes, there are plenty of too dogmatic Jews. Um. But then again, one of my favorite quotes is that “everyone to the right of you is a fanatic, and everyone to the left of you is a heretic.” So take that as you will.
Finally. The last part that they’re looking for in your answer to this question is: do you understand and respect the process? That this fundamentally is a process? It’s not one and done.
Becoming Jewish is something that unfolds over time, and it will take time. At least a year. I’ll link up here and down below to my video about how long a conversion takes. But the short version is that every branch of Judaism does at least one year of Jewish living before a conversion, with very few exceptions.
And many Orthodox programs are increasingly requiring at least two years.
It takes time to become a Jew. It’s about an approach to the world and thinking and culture and community. There’s a lot going on. It’s not just a simple theological question.
And the result of that is that conversion is a two-way process between you and the community, who is normally represented by the rabbi in this equation.
The Jewish community. Again, the rabbis representing the community, get to decide who become Jewish. You can’t become Jewish without the community approving you.
So just as much as you are choosing the community, the community needs to choose you back, and that is a key part of the process. And why an in-person community is always required for a conversion, no matter who you’re converting with, who’s legitimate. There are people on the internet who are happy to sell you a conversion with no community requirement whatsoever, but I will link above and down below to my video about online conversions for just that question.
This two-way process can be really hard, especially if you are someone who is different.
And I can tell you a lot of us are different because normal people don’t just go up and say, “you know what? I think I’ll become Jewish.” Who does that?
Most people are pretty happy with the religion that they were born into or just throwing it all away and being a none, as in like the number zero none, not a Catholic nun. Um.
It takes a certain amount of chutzpah and insanity to want to become a Jew in the face of antisemitism, in face of the requirements, in face of adopting an entire culture. It is not done lightly and it is not easy.
Just as every renegade CEO you see is a little bit crazy, every Jewish convert’s a little bit crazy in my opinion.
Which is so ironic given that my blog was originally called You’re Not Crazy. And it’s because every time I told Jews that I was interested in converting, they 100% said, “you must be crazy. Don’t do that.” So yeah, we are a little crazy, but in a good, positive way. We are able to stand up for our beliefs in a way that a lot of people never do.
We put ourselves on the line for what we think is right, and that speaks to me that you have a very good character.
Most people are not motivated to fight for the truth. They stay for what’s comfortable.
So that is why I know you are going to get through this conversation just fine.
If you’ve gotten this far, you’re probably not delusional. You’re probably not in a psychiatric break. You’re probably not trying to convert because you think it’ll make you rich.
Odds are super good that if you made it this far, you have a perfectly normal reason for wanting to convert. And there’s a lot of them, and it’s common to have more than one.
But I do also want you to remember that you don’t have to be certain. It is normal to have doubts.
This is a big thing. You are absolutely trying to change your life. It is perfectly normal and healthy to have doubts, self-questioning, not being sure.
And anyone who tells you that you shouldn’t have doubts, and you should always be a hundred percent sure, be skeptical of that person. That sounds like someone who wants to be a cult leader.
If you haven’t heard this story yet before, the word “Israel” means “wrestles with G-d.” The Jewish people wrestle with G-d all the time. We have books and books full of it.
Having doubts is normal and fine.
It’s about what you do, your actions, that is what matters.
So this question sounds terrifying when you think it’s a test. And it is a test, just not of what you thought it was.
It’s mostly a vibe check.
But what they’re gonna look at moving forward is your actions: what do you do?
Do you set goals and work towards them?
Do you learn more?
Do you start integrating into the community?
Do you start participating in classes or getting to know people?
The “why are you converting?” question is more of a procedural hoop you need to jump through.
In the grand scheme of things, it affects very little. Who are you becoming, day in and day out?
That’s what the rabbi’s really gonna be looking at because anyone can say anything. Your actions say who you really are.
If you like these sorts of discussions, you might like my membership Bayit Builders.
This was a real question brought to me by a member of Bayit Builders, and I thought that it was worth sharing the answer with everyone because it’s such a common question.
And you know your girl. I’m a nerd. I like unpacking the questions behind the questions.
Let’s figure out the logistics and the emotions behind these steps so you can show up confident and clear instead of freaking out.
So if you want help thinking through moments like this, Bayit Builders is opening to new members January 11th through the 15th.
You can learn more or join the wait list at Building a Jewish Life.com/membership.
And if this video helped lower your anxiety around that first conversation, the next place that people usually get stuck is sending that first email to set up this conversation.
I have a video that can help you with this. I’ll link it up there and down below.
It will tell you exactly what to say and what to leave out so you can send it without spiraling.
So watch that video next.
Hatzlacha! Good luck!
