If you’re considering converting to Judaism, you’ve probably heard this at least once:
“A rabbi has to reject you three times.”
Sometimes it’s said gently. Sometimes it’s said like a warning. And sometimes it’s used to justify confusion, silence, or treatment that feels more like humiliation than discernment.
But here’s the truth: Judaism does not require ritualized rejection.
And odds are good you won’t experience this, but we need to say this for the people who are dealing with rabbis who believe this myth.
The Talmud, an important book of Jewish law (actually many books), does talk about informing potential converts of the risks and responsibilities of Jewish life. It does not command rabbis to emotionally test you, disappear on you, or treat suffering as proof of sincerity.
In this video, I break down where the “three rejections” idea likely came from, what the original sources actually say, and how to tell the difference between informed consent and unnecessary gatekeeping.
If you’ve been feeling ashamed, second-guessing yourself, or wondering whether you’re failing some invisible test, this is for you.
Transcript below.
Transcript:
Judaism does not require a rabbi to reject a potential convert three times. That’s a myth, and it’s a harmful myth.
If someone told you that Judaism requires suffering to prove your sincerity, they were wrong.
What the rabbis are looking for is persistence and knowing what you’re getting yourself into.
But some of them are going about it the wrong way.
So if discouragement has left you feeling uncertain, ashamed, or like you’re failing some invisible test, this video is for you.
Hi, I’m Kochava. I’m a Jewish convert and I’ve been helping people convert to Judaism since 2010 through my blog, Building a Jewish Life.com.
If you like calm, practical guidance like this, check the link down in the description below to join my mailing list, and you’ll get access to a library of free resources good for people who are converting to Judaism.
If your suffering is being treated as proof of your sincerity, something is very wrong. That’s not a good system.
But I also question how widespread the problem is. As far as I can remember, I don’t remember anything that discouraging other than the obvious “the world’s full of antisemites. Judaism is hard.” Like there’s nothing groundbreaking there, and the books covered that too so I was a little prepared for that going into it.
And it seems like most people that I’ve talked to about this have a similar story. But there are people out there who had rabbis who told them later that this was why they would set appointments with them and just not show up and not call to cancel or anything. Just the person sitting alone in the office waiting on the rabbi who never appears.
That’s just rude.
And more importantly, it’s a Chilul Hashem.
It’s a desecration of G-d’s name. It makes the Jews look bad. It makes the Rabbi look bad. It makes Judaism look bad.
That is not what the Talmud is asking us to do.
You are just being rude.
And I have talked to people who had rabbis who seem to enjoy this “requirement to discourage.” They seem to just get a little too much enjoyment out of it, but here’s a news flash: rabbis are human. Some of them are jerks.
If this is your rabbi, you may just have to deal with a jerk if you want to reach your goals. But know that that’s just them. That’s a them problem, not a Judaism problem.
Some rabbis go silent. They just stop answering emails. They stop returning phone calls.
Some give wishy-washy answers, and you cannot pin them down for an answer to save your life.
So if you’re thinking about approaching a rabbi to learn more about conversion, I’ll link my video up here and down below to how to contact a Rabbi for the first time.
Discouragement exists in Jewish literature because quite frankly, there’s a lot to be discouraged by, but it was never meant to confuse, humiliate, or test someone’s endurance.
And in practice, some rabbis have absorbed this message in ways that completely missed the point.
The Talmud, an important book of Jewish law, tells us to inform potential candidates of the costs and complexities of Jewish life.
And not to overwhelm them with that information.
It doesn’t command repeated rejection.
It does not mandate emotional suffering, and it does not treat pain as proof of sincerity.
And if you are a rabbi who was taught otherwise, this is an invitation, not an accusation.
You can choose to handle this differently.
In a way that preserves dignity, clarity, and trust. For the potential convert, for you, and for the Jewish community as a whole.
Historically, caution made a lot of sense in the Jewish community. In many places and times, conversion was illegal, and any Jewish community that did it anyway could cause people to be put to death. Both the convert and the rabbis in the community who facilitated it.
So over time, turning someone away became a way to slow down the process, test seriousness, and protect the community.
But again, that’s context, not a commandment.
The problem with turning that “three rejections” into a rule, is that it’s replacing discernment with ritualized gatekeeping. It confuses persistence with worthiness, and it incentivizes suffering as a proof of sincerity, and that’s not how we wanna measure people.
But more importantly, it contradicts Kavod HaBriyot, human dignity.
Many contemporary rabbis and Poskim, um, deciders of Jewish Law, explicitly warn to not discourage excessively because it can turn into cruelty instead of care.
The original source for this in the Talmud is Yevamot 47 A and B.
I’ll share an approximate translation: ” when a potential convert comes to convert, the Beit Din, the rabbinical court to oversee the process, says to them, ‘ what did you see that you came to convert? Don’t you know that Israel at the present time is oppressed downtrodden, despised, harassed, and afflicted with suffering?’
If the person responds, ‘I know and I’m not worthy,’ then they accept him into the process immediately.” The Talmud then continues: “and they inform him of some of the minor commandments and some of the major commandments.” Notice some. ” And they inform him of the punishment for the commandments, and they do not overwhelm him with too many details.”
Basically, do you understand the social, historical, and practical costs of joining the Jewish people?
And this quote is frequently used. I converted twice, conservative and then orthodox. And if I recall correctly, during both of those conversions, that actual quote, ” what did you see that you came to convert? Don’t you know that Israel at the present time is oppressed, downtrodden, despised, harassed, and afflicted with suffering?”
Was explicitly read out to me and I was asked to answer that.
Now, what you may not know is that I’m also trained as a lawyer, and this is classic informed consent. A person should know all the details of an agreement before they sign on the dotted line. And that’s exactly what this passage is doing: we want converts to know what they’re signing up for.
There’s nothing cruel about that. There’s nothing rejecting about that. That’s just honesty. And what’s kinder than being honest in a hard situation?
Because yeah, becoming Jewish is a hard situation. It’s got a lot of downsides.
We wanna make sure that people know the good and the bad, because that’s what’s fair, and that’s what’s best for all involved.
And the most important disclosure of all is that conversion is permanent. Once you convert, you’re Jewish forever. No takebacks. So whatever you’re signing up for today, you’re signing up for forever.
So this “discouragement” is actually intended to protect converts.
Better to ensure clarity now than regret later.
So where does this idea of three times come from? The answer that I learned was that it comes from the Book of Ruth.
Ruth is the most famous convert in the Torah.
It’s a long story between Ruth and her mother-in-law, Naomi.
But in essence, Naomi is going back home to Israel, and Ruth wants to go with her, and Naomi discourages her three times. And then Ruth says, the famous line ” where you go, I will go. Your people shall be my people and your G-d, my G-d.”
So maybe it came from there. Probably also, three has always been a number of importance in Jewish stories.
There are all kinds of reasons why it could be three.
Don’t get yourself worked up and afraid of this “rejected three times” thing. Odds are good it’s not gonna happen to you, but if it does, know that they’re doing it wrong.
They should be honest to you, not rude.
This “discouragement” should clarify you, not crush you.
Judaism does not require your suffering to prove that you’re serious.
Judaism should be a joy.
It’s hard, but it’s worth it, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
So hopefully I’ve eased your worries about being rejected by a rabbi. If that’s the case, the next video you should watch is my video about how to make that first contact with a new rabbi. Good luck.
And don’t forget to click the link down my description below to join my mailing list and get access to the Jewish Life Resource Guide. You get access to a full library of free resources for people who are converting to Judaism.
