Purim is often imagined as loud.
Packed megillah readings. Costumes everywhere. Mishloach manot stacked on kitchen counters. A full synagogue and a louder party.
But not everyone has that.
If you’re building a Jewish life without a local community – mid-conversion, in a small town, in an interfaith home, or simply not plugged in yet – it can be hard to know what Purim is supposed to look like.
Here’s the good news: Purim has four core mitzvot. And every one of them can be done at home.
This guide will walk you through what is actually required, what is meaningful but optional, and how to observe Purim in a grounded, sustainable way – even if you’re doing it alone.
Transcript below.
Transcript:
No synagogue? No Megillah reading? No community party? You can still observe the Jewish holiday of Purim. If you’ve ever Googled “how to celebrate Purim alone” and gotten zero helpful answers- hi, welcome. You’re in the right place.
And if you’ve ever just skipped a Jewish holiday because you didn’t have a synagogue or a crowd to do it “right.”
This is your permission slip to stop waiting.
Here’s the thing most conversion to Judaism resources do.
They assume you have a local Jewish community to plug into. And you might not. Most people don’t start there.
But Purim can still happen for you anyway.
Purim has only four Mitzvot. And for all of them, you can do it right now, where you are, with what you have.
It’s okay if your Purim doesn’t look anything like what you see on social media.
In real life, people’s Purim can be quiet.
But it still “counts.”
So this video is your Purim guide for those of you who don’t have a Jewish community to rely on, and aren’t waiting around until you find one.
Let’s talk about what Purim can actually look like when you’re building a Jewish life from scratch.
Hi, I’m Kochava. I’m a Jewish convert, and I’ve been helping people convert to Judaism since 2010 through my blog Building a Jewish Life.com.
And you don’t need to worry about taking notes during this video because I made a companion guide for you that’ll give you all the essential information you need.
Just sign up for my mailing list down at the link below in the description and the pinned comment, and you’ll get the Purim at Home guide right away.
So here’s what’s actually required on Purim. See, we have to start from a little step back. Purim is not a “regular” Jewish holiday. Just like Hanukkah, Purim was created later in Jewish history, after the Torah. So it was created by the rabbis, and therefore the rules aren’t as binding as what you find in the Torah, for lack of a better word.
So if you’re going to “mess up” somewhere, be comforted that it’s a lesser messing up than with other mitzvot.
But of course, I don’t want you having that guilt and shame in the first place. We all start somewhere and we build from where we are. What matters is the direction you’re moving in. Are you moving toward your best Jewish self?
So with that in mind, let’s look at the four Mitzvot.
The first is hearing the Megillah, the Book of Esther, reading it if you are the reader reading it aloud for other people.
In Jewish law, you should use a kosher scroll, just like we have a kosher scroll for a Torah scroll.
But if you don’t have a local Jewish community, I’m gonna guess you probably don’t have a kosher Megillah scroll. Do the best you can with what you got.
If you have a Torah around, you can read the book of Esther from that.
I’ll put a link down below to a free version of the Book of Esther on the website Sefaria.
But there are also livestreams of readings, and if you’re old school, you can even do it over the phone if you happen to know someone who does have a kosher scroll. People differ on whether those “count” under Jewish law. I’m not here to tell you one way or the other.
Now the second mitzvah is Mishloach Manot.
You might also hear them called Shalach Manos. Gifts of food to your friends and family. But really you only need to do one person.
All you need is two food or drink items.
And you deliver it. That’s all. During the daytime. It’s not something you would do the night before when Purim actually starts. We do say to do it during the daytime itself.
Traditionally, we say that you should include two different types of items. And we usually measure that difference by whether you would need a different blessing, a Bracha, on each of those items.
So a broad overview of the types of blessings, and therefore the types of the groups of food you might choose from. You have bread, wine or grape juice, fruit from trees, fruits and vegetables from the ground, and everything else.
So pack up a water bottle and an apple, you’re good to go.
You can do literally anything. And a lot of people get really into this, and that’s something you can do even if you don’t have a community. People love getting gifts, and if hospitality is in your genes and you wanna go all in on this, people make these like baskets with themes and funny messages that go along with them.
You can really have a lot of fun with this.
Now, number three is one that I have a very hard time saying. If you are new around here, you probably don’t yet know that I struggle on Hebrew words. And also I’m still really sick and my voice isn’t fully back yet, so I’m sure it’s going to be even harder than normal. So I’m gonna look at it so that I can say it hopefully correctly.
Matanot La’Evyonim.
Yeah, that’s the best I can do.
These are gifts for the poor.
And ideally they should go towards feeding the poor on Purim.
Every synagogue will be collecting Tzedakah, charitable donations, for the poor on this day. So even if you don’t have a local synagogue, if you have some sort of connection to another synagogue, you might be able to talk to them about making a donation remotely. Or even through their website.
Ideally, you should provide enough for two people.
And if you don’t have a place, I’ll recommend a nonprofit that I’ve followed over the years. I have zero connection to them other than having been a donor at various times through the years, is Mazon: a Jewish Response to Hunger. I’ll put their donate link down in the description below.
Now here’s a little bit of insider talk. There’s a lot of talk about the gifts to the poor and the Shaloch Manot.
Some people get very upset that some people will spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars to make Mishloach Manot for 45 people, but then only donate for two people to be fed. There are some advocating that we should spend as much on the gifts to the poor as we do on the Shaloch Manot that benefit our friends and family because it’s easier to give to friends and family.
It’s more popular. It makes you feel good.
So you should know that that tension exists in many of us in the community, and how we try to figure out how to make the best ethical choice.
And now the last mitzvah of Purim is the Seudah, a festive meal.
Normally on a Jewish holiday, we would measure what makes a “Seudah” based on whether you have two loaves of challah and a kiddish over wine. But not Purim. Technically it’s like any other meal. But one thing that can be really fun to do is people have made up fake kiddish prayers for Purim that are intended to be funny.
My father-in-law has his favorite one that he reads every year, and I love it.
So what do you actually need to do to make this a Seudah? Just anything that makes it a little nicer than normal. Make a dish you really like. Invite someone over.
Use the nice dishes. Buy dessert. It’s really anything you want.
So besides these four, everything else is custom, and was incorporated much later.
And in fact, a lot of the things that you’ve heard of as being like “Purim,” like dressing up in costumes, you may not know that that’s actually an Ashkenazi tradition, an Eastern European tradition. The rest of the Jewish world didn’t have that custom until Sephardim and Ashkenazim started interacting more. nowadays costumes are pretty common. But they’re not required, and it’s also something you can do at home.
I can tell you that when I lived out in the middle of Jewish nowhere, I actually wore something silly to work that day and I explained it to my coworkers what I was doing. And literally everyone thought it was the most fun thing, and it broke up the monotony of everyday life.
So you might be surprised where you can bring these Purim traditions in.
But I would also be remiss if I did not say that: please, please do not have culturally appropriative costumes.
Here are three questions to help you figure out if this is a costume that maybe you shouldn’t wear. Am I dressing as a specific individual or as a stereotype of a group?
Does this rely on race, ethnicity, or religion as the punchline? Yes, that includes things like pregnant nuns.
And three, would someone from that community feel respected if they saw you wearing it?
When in doubt, choose something different. And inevitably every year someone gets photographed and splashed all over the internet in blackface. Please don’t do that.
Throughout our history, Jews have been caricatured in costumes as anti-Semitic acts, and often to incite violence against us.
In fact, I’ll link down in the comments below to a free gift article from The Washington Post about exactly that issue of Christmas plays in the Ukrainian Catholic Church that used stereotyped caricatures of Jews in anti-Semitic ways. And it’s from this last Christmas. This is not 20 years ago. It’s happening today. So we should hold ourselves to a very high standard when it comes to cultural appropriation.
We know the harms of it firsthand.
Now let’s jump into the other controversial point. Drinking.
So there is an idea out there that on Purim, you should drink so much alcohol that you can’t tell the difference between the phrases “blessed is Mordecai” and “Cursed is Haman.” That’s really drunk.
Is that safe? Perhaps not. Drinking is a custom. Safety is Jewish law. Pikuach Nefesh, saving a life, is one of the top principles we have in Judaism. If you choose to drink, please be sure not to drive, and please do not give alcohol to underaged people.
What if you’re sober? Good news, because this is a custom, you’re not required to drink any alcohol. Anyone who pressures you to do so is a jerk. Nowadays, a lot of people are sober. They should take no for an answer and be very polite about it.
And last but not least, Purim foods! The most common you’ll probably hear about is the Ashkenazi tradition of Hamantaschen. They are a triangle shaped. That’s not a triangle. What am I doing? A triangle shaped cookie with fruit filling in the middle.
You can buy them online and have them shipped to you. You can also make your own. They’re definitely an intermediate cookie, I would say. But it’s mostly the aesthetics that get ruined.
They still taste delicious. They just might leak fruit filling. Ask me how I know. I am not an intermediate baker.
Sephardi and Mizrahi traditions have different foods like Orejas de Amán, which translates as ears of Haman. ‘Cause you know, Hamantaschen is also similarly named. It’s supposed to be the ear or the hat of Haman.
The recipes are out there.
Whip up something special for your Seudah.
Even if it ends up being a cooking failure, you’ve still made a good Jewish memory.
And I’ve got three side notes here about Purim. The day before Purim is actually a fast day called Ta’anit Esther.
It’s a minor fast, daytime only.
If you wanna know more about fasts, I have a guide to Jewish fasting or when you can’t fast on my website at Building a Jewish Life.com.
And I’ll also link up here and down below to my video about fasting.
Two, Shushan Purim. That’s the day after Purim.
And for 99% of the people watching this video, you have nothing to do with Shushan Purim. It doesn’t affect you.
It refers to the fact that during the original Purim story, people in walled cities had fighting that lasted longer. And so the second day is celebrated as Purim instead, in places like Jerusalem, but only walled cities that were walled at the time. So only a handful of places on earth.
And then the third is a warning. We are one month away from Passover.
That’s scary, y’all. Pesach’s hard. So I’ll try to whip up some Pesach content for you early so that you’ll have plenty of time to implement it and make your Pesach as stress-free as possible. Maybe I’ll even make my own experience stress-free this year.
I doubt it.
Purim is about survival in exile and hidden miracles. Where better to celebrate that in your home, in a place that lacks a Jewish community?
You’re not disqualified from Jewish life just because you’re kind of alone.
The Jewish month of Adar and the holiday of Purim should be sources of joy.
Try to find moments of Jewish joy for yourself. Oh, hey. Now if celebrating Purim at home has you thinking, ” okay, but I do eventually wanna have a community,” the next step is knowing how to reach out.
Next, you should watch my video about how to contact a rabbi for the first time.
I walk you through what to say, what not to say, and how to make that first contact without overexplaining or panicking.
It’s practical, clear, and designed to take the fear out of the process.
And don’t forget that you can get the companion guide to this video down below in the description when you join my mailing list. Chag Sameach!
