If you’re thinking about converting to Judaism, there’s a version of the process people talk about – and then there’s the version people actually experience.
This isn’t a checklist. It’s a process made up of people, relationships, and real life constraints. And there are patterns that come up over and over again that can make things harder than they need to be.
So let’s talk about the unwritten rules – the things no one says out loud, but that will make a real difference in how you move through this.
If you’re trying to build a Jewish life in real life – not just learn about it – Bayit Builders is where we do that together. Doors open to new members May 5-14, 2026. Get on the waitlist for extra bonuses!
And if family conversations around your Jewish life feel complicated, tense, or just exhausting, I’m hosting a small workshop to help you navigate them more clearly.
Transcript below.
Transcript:
If you are thinking about converting to Judaism, there are some rules that no one will tell you about.
Let’s talk about these things that make conversion harder than it has to be.
Hi, I’m Kochava. I’m a Jewish convert, and I’ve been helping people convert to Judaism since 2010 through my blog, Building a Jewish Life.com.
There are patterns that I see over and over again.
And these mistakes, most of them are fixable. But even better, let’s prevent them in the first place.
If you’re trying to build a Jewish life in real life, not in theory, my membership Bayit Builders is here to support you. You don’t have to figure all this out alone.
Bayit Builders is a space for building Jewish life together step by step.
Doors are opening soon to new members. We only open three times a year, and your next chance is May 5th through the 14th, 2026.
So let’s dig into the rules.
Number one and the most important, don’t wait until you feel “ready.” You will never feel ready. There is no such thing as ready. And on the flip side, there is also no such thing as “finished” really. You’ll always be learning to be a better Jew.
And quite frankly, the more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know.
And that’s a good thing. Most of us are nerds. We love this about Judaism!
So don’t wait until you feel ready. Contact that rabbi today if you haven’t already. I’ll link above and down below to my video about how to contact a rabbi and what to say exactly in an email to them.
Rule number two: choose the right movement for you, not what’s going to please the most amount of people.
In case no one has told you this, no conversion is bulletproof. Any conversion can be questioned.
If you get an Orthodox conversion, it’s a good chance that all the people you run into who need to know your status and care about it will accept it. But that’s not a guarantee. There are people who will not accept your conversion no matter who you convert with. Everyone’s got enemies, and this is a very political process.
” Uh, we don’t hold by that group.” That’s all it is.
For more about this, I’ll link above and down below to my video about “will your conversion be accepted?”
Rule number three: Jewish conversion is made up of people. I know that doesn’t sound very groundbreaking, but the implication is important. You are all human beings here. You are all going to make mistakes. You are all going to misunderstand each other sometimes, and sometimes one of you is gonna be grumpy or hangry.
You, the rabbis, the Beit Din, the community members… all people. No angels around here.
So set your expectations accordingly.
Four. Not every community or rabbi is right for you, but sometimes you just have to make do with what you got.
In fact, I would say most of us make do with what we’ve got. Very few people find the perfect setup. And even if you find the perfect community, the rabbi’s probably not the best fit, or you find a great rabbi, but the community is a little standoffish.
Just like the process is made up of people, the process itself is going to be imperfect and not ideal.
Sometimes you have to bloom where you’re planted.
Rule number five: yes, you’ll probably have to move. Most people have to move during this process. If you’re lucky, it’s just across town. But most people make big moves. A new city, a new state, sometimes a new country.
You cannot convert just anywhere. You have to convert within a community, and that is agreed upon throughout the movements of Judaism. That’s not an Orthodox thing. I’ll link above and down below to my video about “can you convert online?”
Rule number six: Jewish life is lived, not just studied. Like I said, we’re nerds around here. We like to live in our head. We like to live in the ideal thoughts. But that’s not Jewish life. That’s a big part of Jewish life. Don’t get me wrong, we’re called the People of the Book for a reason, but at the end of the day, you’re gonna have to wake up and do Jewish stuff.
Learning Jewish stuff isn’t enough. You’ve gotta actually apply it to your life.
You’re building a life, not passing a test.
And related to that, some of those things will feel really meaningful and uplifting, but some of them won’t. Life is made up of Tuesdays, not religious highs.
But showing up anyway and doing the work counts.
Showing up and doing the work lays the groundwork for you to be able to have those spiritual highs.
Rule number seven: faster is not better. But also, slower doesn’t necessarily mean more legitimate.
Yes, there is a minimum amount of time to convert. I’ll link above and down below to a video about that. It’s about a year at a minimum, for any type of Judaism. Increasingly, the trend is towards two years minimum in orthodox conversion.
So yeah, faster is bad because the whole point is you’re trying to integrate all of this learning into your real life, and that takes time. And it takes holidays. That’s why they want you to go through at least one full holiday cycle.
But alternatively, slower means nothing at all.
Most of the time people are going slower because there is some sort of issue within their life. Maybe their finances don’t support a move. Maybe they’re having family relationship issues and they’re slow rolling their conversion because of that.
There are lots of reasons why someone’s conversion might be slowed down, either willingly or not.
So you as an outsider really shouldn’t judge anyone’s conversion based on how long it’s taking, so long as it meets those minimum requirements.
Rule number eight and one of my personal favorites: you don’t get extra points for suffering.
If it’s hard and painful, you don’t get brownie points for that. Ideally, this process should be joyful and meaningful and uplifting. It won’t be all the time, for sure. You will have points of struggle and potentially even suffering, but you shouldn’t seek out suffering because you feel like it makes it more legit.
‘ Cause it doesn’t. Sometimes things are easy and that’s okay.
And if these kinds of conversations are the sort of thing that you need to hear, then you will feel at home in my membership Bayit Builders, because this is the sort of things we talk about a lot.
Rule number nine, and also a big favorite of mine: don’t go scorched earth on Old You. Don’t throw all your old stuff away. Don’t throw out all your clothes, don’t throw out all your music, your movies.
It’s easy to get caught up in fervor and excitement and be like, “I’m a new person!” But 99% of the people I’ve known who’ve done that have regretted it. Because inevitably you will throw out things that later on you realize you shouldn’t have and you wish you hadn’t. If you don’t want them around, just box ’em up, put ’em somewhere outta sight, outta mind. Reassess in at least a year.
And yes, I do mean at least a year. Let the honeymoon period fade.
And this goes equally so for relationships. Don’t jettison every relationship you have with someone who isn’t Jewish. That’s not how Jews live. We have friends who are not Jewish. We have family members who aren’t Jewish. You don’t have to cut off contact with anyone that you don’t already want to. Anyone who says you do need to cut out people, that’s someone who wants to be a cult leader.
Don’t listen to them.
Rule number 10: your relationships will change. But the secret is they were gonna change anyway.
Whether you found this Jewish stuff or not, you as a person were going to change. They were going to change. We are all always growing and changing, and our relationships are always growing and changing along with us.
Yes, Judaism may be a catalyst for conflict in a relationship.
But conflicts come up in relationship normally and naturally.
You don’t need to assume that this is a relationship ending thing.
If you had a half decent relationship beforehand, I can tell you that nine times out of 10, the relationship heals no matter how bad it looks at the beginning. Yes, even if they are super religious and very upset at you leaving that religion.
Time heals most wounds. But you gotta give it time. And I don’t mean a short amount of time. I mean like five years.
Maybe it’ll be less than that for you. But five years seems to be about average for getting back to some sort of workable relationship if it’s a really big breach.
If you’re struggling with family relationships, you’re in luck because I’m about to start offering my very first workshop.
It’s all about what to say, what to not say, and writing out scripts that will serve you for the complicated conversations.
If that sounds interesting to you, I’m gonna be offering two groups capped at 10 people each so everyone gets personal attention.
I will put some information down in the description below.
11. I have run out of fingers.
You cannot force people to come along with you. Many of you have romantic partners who are not Jewish and not interested in being Jewish. You can’t make them come on this journey with you. That’s out of your control. And yes, that may affect the ability to get a conversion.
But all hope is not lost.
I’ll link to a video about what to do if your partner isn’t Jewish.
But of course this isn’t limited just to romantic partners: roommates, children, uh, friends. It can apply to a lot of your relationships. It’s okay to go on a different journey than the people around you.
The question is, how do you maintain that relationship at the same time?
Rule number 12: dating will cause problems. But it’s up to you to decide if those problems are worth it. The traditional advice is “don’t date while converting.” And honestly, it’s good advice. All things being equal, that is the advice I would give you, but I also know that matters of the heart cannot be scheduled very well. And especially if you are a younger person converting, hormones are a hell of a drug.
I dated during my conversions.
I went through periods where I decided not to, but then it just took so long that I got tired. I wanted to move on with my life, and I felt like I was being held back by expectations that were completely unclear and unending.
And you know what? The people that I dated were extremely nice, good people. What can I say? I have good taste.
But I do regret dating during conversion because problems always came up around it. People do not take you as seriously. They will question your sincerity. And then you have another person who has to be like interviewed by the Beit Din and otherwise participate in your conversion.
It’s annoying. It is more hoops to jump through.
And some places may have a hard rule about no dating during conversions, and they may kick you out for that.
I haven’t heard of that happening, but nothing would shock me if that did happen.
But whatever you do, if you do date, do not hide it. Lying about that, even lying by omission, can really sabotage you.
Going back to our rule that humans are involved in the conversion process… reasonable rabbis will realize that hormones and relationships are something that we are programmed for, and that the temptation can be too hard to resist sometimes.
So do be honest about it.
And yes, you can still “talk” to someone all you want during the conversion process. Just putting the formal dating on hold until after the conversion is done. Dating will also slow down your conversion.
Because again, more moving parts.
Rule number 13: the rabbi is not your friend.
You may really like your rabbi. And I hope that’s the case, but he’s not your friend.
Their job is literally to be a gatekeeper between you and the Jewish community. They have to decide whether you should be let in the door.
Never forget that.
Do not get drunk with them. You do not know what you might say when you are inebriated.
Do not come to them with your problems unless it is directly related to the conversion.
Basically always act as though you’re on a job interview because you kind of are.
If you and your rabbi hit it off, that’s great. But save the real friendship for after the conversion is over. The power dynamics between the two of you are really imbalanced right now, and it’s not the best basis for friendship.
But on the flip side, if you’re worried about being rejected by a rabbi, I’ll link above and down below to a video about whether rabbis are required to reject you three times. You might notice that that is not a rule of conversion I have listed in this video.
Number 14: your rabbi is not Google, and Google is not your rabbi.
Do not overwhelm your rabbi with your questions because you will have an overwhelming number of questions. Some things should be Googled or looked up in a book. You can even use my blog, Building a Jewish Life.com.
Save your Rabbi for the really hard questions. Ideally, make friends in the community so you can give them some of your questions. Spread those questions out.
Use websites and blogs and forums and groups like Reddit and Facebook. Take all the “answers” you find with a grain of salt, but they’re a great starting point. If something feels a little weird, you can check with your rabbi or a friend if that’s how things are actually done in your community.
The key here is spreading your questions out so that no one person gets overwhelmed by you.
Rule number 15: answer only the question that has been asked. I know you. I know that you are probably going to word vomit all over the first rabbi you get ahold of. I did it. Most people do it. You’re nervous, you’re anxious, and you don’t know what matters or not.
Let the rabbi lead the conversation. Pretty much any rabbi you are approaching has already dealt with people who are converting before. There’s a lot of us! These are conversations that rabbis have on a regular basis. They’ll know what’s important and they’ll ask you the questions.
Plus when you word vomit, you might say things that you don’t mean to or that maybe were not the best thing to talk about. Related to that, always take a pause before you answer. Think about what you’re gonna say. The pause will feel so long to you, but it’s really not that long to the person listening to you.
Just a few seconds of gathering your thoughts will make your answers a lot better and your conversations more productive.
Rule number 16: you are allowed to ask questions, even uncomfortable ones, but buyer beware.
This flows a little bit from the rule above about not overwhelming people with your questions. You are gonna have like personal or controversial questions, and your rabbi isn’t always the best place for those questions, especially if they are hypotheticals.
Some of those things might be better suited to an anonymous post in a Facebook group, or better yet, asking a friend in the community.
As we said above. Remember that this is kind of a job interview.
You wanna be comfortable asking questions, even personal ones, but also be aware that there can be fallout from them. Think about the person who you’re gonna be asking and how they might react to it.
Rule number 17: consistency matters more than intensity. Slow and steady wins the race.
It’s an old saying because it’s true. You’re gonna build a much more sustainable Jewish life if you start with small things consistently, than diving headfirst into the most perfect version of this thing. That’s a recipe for burnout.
Make things sustainable and consistent. That should always be your focus.
Rule number 18: if something feels off, don’t ignore it just because that person has authority over you. I’ll link above and down below to probably the most important video I have ever made, about red flags in the conversion process. Abuse does happen. Financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assault.
They’re relatively rare, but they do happen. They happened to me. They have happened to other people I know.
So if you hear things on the whisper network about a certain person, take it seriously. People don’t make this sort of stuff up because I can assure you, nothing good comes from complaining about it because we live in this world that is the worst possible timeline.
Rule number 19: just because you feel like an imposter or a fraud doesn’t mean you are. You are probably going to feel like a faker, like a fake Jew. That’s normal. It’s extremely common. It’s called imposter syndrome.
You may feel like you don’t fit in. People are gonna know that you’re really bad at this stuff. All of these negative thoughts can happen.
But usually they’re not true. Or at least not in the way you’re thinking of them. Because at the end of the day, we’re all kind of fakers. We’re all muddling through as imperfect human beings.
You have a space here. You have the right to be here.
Don’t let anyone tell you you don’t.
I’ll link above and down below to my video about imposter syndrome in the conversion process.
Rule number 20. You do not have to share your journey with anyone who asks. Lots of people are gonna ask you about it. You don’t owe anyone anything.
And in theory, that also includes your rabbi.
Sure, they have more of a right to know, but you’re still entitled to a right to privacy.
Anyone who disrespects that is a jerk, and you don’t have to listen to them.
You get to control your story and how it is shared. That’s how it should be, but it’s not always how it is.
So we do the best we can.
Rule 21: our last rule and perhaps the most important. Your Jewish practice will change over time and that’s okay. You are not going to be the same Jew on day one after your conversion as you are five years later, or you are 20 years later. People change, grow, learn new things.
Maybe you’ll move to the left. Maybe you’ll move to the right. Maybe you’ll move off the board all altogether, who knows?
There are very few people who stay exactly the same as they were.
I can’t imagine being a person like that ‘ cause I am pathologically determined to be a growth machine.
It’s okay to learn and grow and change. Anyone who tells you differently is a jerk.
So if you like this kind of advice, you’ll like my membership Bayit Builders.
You’ll find tools, support, and structure to help you build your Jewish life.
You don’t have to be all alone while you figure this out. We’re a supportive community doing it together.
Even the ugly bits.
So if you’re serious about building a Jewish life that actually works for you, you should check out Bayit Builders May 5th through the 14th, 2026.
And next, the video you should watch is “Five Things I Wish I Knew Before I Converted.”
