Howdy! Welcome to Building a Jewish Life: Becoming Jewish Without Losing Your Sanity!
Who Am I?
I’m Kochava.
I’ve been blogging about conversion and Judaism on this blog, formerly known You’re Not Crazy, since 2010. I started blogging because my conversion was going nowhere, and no one would help me. All I could do was read books and try to pick up things by osmosis. I couldn’t move because I had a few years left in school and didn’t want to transfer. So where did that leave me? Up a creek without a paddle, basically.
So I turned to blogging and social media for help, and thankfully, I found it. If you’re here, you probably have many of the same questions I did. Thankfully, there are now many more resources than in 2010, and I’m proud that this site is one of them.
I had a conservative conversion in 2010. I finished my orthodox conversion in January 2012, after moving to New York City, which is where I currently live. Now I help conversion candidates, potential conversion candidates, and born-Jews who want to learn more about their heritage. We’ll talk about everything: halacha, customs, social norms, history, controversies, pop culture, and the struggles you might face.
As for me personally, I have an unhealthy obsession with books, animals, psychology and personal growth, productivity and organizational blogs, and apocalyptic fiction. I’m Southern, a nerd, and also a (currently) non-practicing lawyer. My husband and I have 2 children, who we homeschool for various reasons. We also have a houseful of pets: dogs, cats, fish, snails, and a turtle the size of a dinner plate.
A Basic Disclaimer
I am not a rabbi. I am almost entirely self-taught in Jewish practice, tradition, and halacha. The statements on this blog are my understandings, opinions, personal knowledge, and predictions based on anecdotal evidence (and on statistical evidence in the rare cases that’s available). I’ve been known to be wrong, and I am willing to admit when I’m wrong. If you have a correction for a post, please make a comment on the post. I’ll review your comments, and if I agree, I will edit the post and/or add your point.
What This Blog Is About
Judaism, conversion, problems with conversion today, and orthodox society. As a modern orthodox convert from a Bible Belt atheist family, I aim to provide an honest, sometimes critical, and (hopefully) funny perspective on the Jewish world.
There should be something for everyone here: Jewish or not, orthodox or not. I don’t claim to have the only perspective, and I don’t even claim to be right. Honestly, I’m not sure why anyone would want to listen to my opinions and stories, but Google Analytics tells me that a lot of you do.
In addition to having to learn halacha and customs, social rules and meanings are complex and often not intuitive (and they differ from community to community, oh joy!). I hope to help you understand orthodox society so that you will be happier and not feel like an “outsider” any more than you have to (it’s unavoidable sometimes). Or maybe you realize that you may love Judaism but you hate the Jewish community. In the community, we often have to sadly joke, “Don’t judge Judaism by the Jews.” (That’s good advice for everyone; remember it.) In that case, you shouldn’t seek a conversion, and maybe you’ll have saved yourself some time, effort, and a lot of frustration.
You might as well learn from the mistakes of others. And those stories are usually pretty funny even if you don’t learn anything.
Why I Started This Blog
I’m passionate about Judaism; angered at how the orthodox conversion process is currently being handled; concerned that conversion candidates are left without guidance, a sympathetic ear, or a formal Jewish education; and because I believe I have enough knowledge and insight to make a meaningful contribution to the dialogue about these issues.
Why I Really Started This Blog
I ordered a venti latte at Starbucks when I really should have ordered a tall. The rest is history. I wish this were a joke.
Why This Blog Is Important
Today’s conversion process lacks transparency and practical advice. Most conversion candidates are left to walk blindly for too long or worse, good candidates are turned off from Judaism because of misinformation or isolated jerks. The orthodox Jewish world is far wider and diverse than you would think based on the resources available online and in bookstores.
Most of the advice and books available for conversion candidates (or anyone else trying to build an orthodox Jewish life) provide only the most stringent opinions and perspectives. This is for many reasons, but primarily because of publishing strongholds by a very few orthodox publishers and the desire to only provide material that will be considered “acceptable” by everyone. That means that even commonly accepted halachic rulings are not even published because someone, somewhere says it’s not a valid opinion. Let’s not even start on how we police what is content is “kosher.”
Let’s admit facts: not everyone wants to be in the most stringent communities, nor are those communities right for everyone. Most importantly, being “the most stringent” is not a requirement for being a good Jew. (The automatic reaction: “Sure, it’s not a requirement, but you want to aim for being the lowest common denominator?” That is a fundamental misstatement and/or misunderstanding of other orthodox groups that we must reject every time we encounter it.)
You need to find the right community for you. That is the only way you will find real fulfillment and live the life Hashem wants for you. That might be a stringent community, and it may not. Gd gave us choices because we all have different strengths and weaknesses and, yes, interests and passions. There is a huge variety among our communities. You need to be given the choice, and few resources admit there is a choice at all. I aim to provide multiple perspectives on the issues I cover, whether I agree with them or not. The idea of The One Truth is not a Jewish idea: there is always a disagreement and multiple opinions on what the halacha says. As someone who grew up in the Bible Belt, I believe this perspective of “My Way or the Highway” is created by the conservative Christian philosophy prevalent in America, but you try telling that to an angry rabbi who thinks you’re just a heretic.
Yes, more often than not, I’m a Negative Nancy (probably made worse by the fact that I’m a lawyer). But I’ll tell you the truth, as best as I know. And hopefully that’ll save you some frustration or at least make you not feel so alone when bad things happen. Most conversion candidates don’t have access to anyone willing to tell the truth, except maybe in hushed whispers or in private homes. I didn’t have anyone like that for many years, and my friends still play “Spot Kochava’s crazy chumrahs!” because no one was willing to tell me, “this is what I learned but our community doesn’t do that/doesn’t do it that way.”
Too many people are afraid to be honest in the orthodox world, fearing they will be proclaimed “not frum enough.” This is especially true of converts. If we rock the boat, anyone can come along and say, “Your conversion is invalid; you’re not a real Jew.” A majority of us are female, so that means threatening the Jewish status of our children and grandchildren too (these bullies have no shame). They can try to get our children kicked out of schools, our husbands denied aliyahs in shul, or simply smear our names in the community.
Gd help the person who threatens my Jewishness, but I’m lucky to have a family who believes in my work and is willing to stand behind me regardless of (empty, not-based-in-halacha) threats. Not everyone is that lucky, and not every is that stubborn. I can’t blame anyone who wants to avoid tempting online or real-life trolls. But someone needs to do it, so it might as well be me. I will accept all help promoting sanity and mutual respect within the orthodox and wider Jewish world!
Rabbinic Independence
You might notice that there are no rabbinic “seals of approval” around here. Honestly, none have ever been offered except verbally (can’t agree to put on paper things you might regret later!), but even if I had some, I wouldn’t post them here.
I do not formally partner with any beit dins or individual rabbis, though they may refer people to me or vice versa. If we work together, I work for you, and your information is confidential unless you request that I speak with or answer the questions of your rabbi or beit din. You should never be afraid to be honest with me, share your doubts, or ask the questions you’re not “supposed” to ask. Everyone has doubts and everyone has questions, especially during difficult or emotional times. However, if you want to do that publicly in the comments on this site, you should probably post anonymously.
This site is independent of rabbinic influence since rabbinic politics and infighting is the #1 cause of convert suffering. Rabbinic organizations and individual rabbis have repeatedly thrown converts and conversion candidates under the bus for personal political gain within the orthodox community. Worse, they have suffered no consequences for this behavior, despite the lives ruined for their personal gain. That is not Torah Judaism. And quite frankly, we need to remember that there is no ethical or psychological exam required to earn the title of rabbi. Rabbis are not infallible, and we need to stop treating them like they are. There are many good rabbis out there, but I have learned the hard way (repeatedly) that a rabbi must earn my trust like anyone else.
In short: Nothing on this site will ever be manipulated, ignored, or edited “because what would the rabbis say??”
Kochava don’t play that game, as they say.
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