Imposter Syndrome in Jewish Conversion

Imposter Syndrome is a term that many of us are familiar with nowadays, at least in the workplace. It’s the sneaky terrible feeling that “everyone else” has it figured out except you and you’re going to mess up and they’re all going to know you’re an imposter. The feeling of being a fraud, of not being deserving or qualified enough despite evidence to the contrary. That feeling can be overwhelming and drive immense anxiety, self-blame, and shame. 

For those embarking on the intense and deeply personal journey of converting to Judaism, Imposter Syndrome often rears its ugly head. Conversion isn’t just adopting a new set of beliefs; it’s integrating yourself into a cultural, historical, and spiritual tradition that extends back thousands of years. No small feat! The Imposter Syndrome can affect you not just in learning the prayers or observing the rituals, but also in navigating the interpersonal relationships and unwritten social rules. There is just so. much. to. learn, and that means so many mistakes you will make.

When you’re converting, the things Imposter Syndrome says aren’t totally wrong. You ARE less knowledgeable than most of the people around you, and you will embarrass yourself with some regularity as you learn. So in a sense, you don’t actually have Imposter Syndrome.

You’re not an imposter. You’re a beginner. 

But the problem comes when we forget (or ignore) that we are beginners and measure ourselves against people who were born into this or have years more experience. You want to be perfect already, NOW, with none of the growing pains of learning. 

Unfortunately, that’s not possible. 

But we can stop the blaming and shaming and the anxiety that we’re going to be thrown out for these mistakes.

But wait, sometimes mistakes do have serious repercussions for conversion candidates! Absolutely, it’s not an entirely unfounded fear. Not everyone is reasonable or compassionate, and as I wrote recently, the conversion process is full of fallible human beings who can and do mistakes and/or outright hurt others. 

Judaism calls us to judge favorably. It’s a straight-up mitzvah. Yet it is so often ignored or given lip service. We must judge others favorably whenever possible, but we must also judge OURSELVES favorably.

In almost all cases, you’re doing the best you can with the resources you have at that exact moment. Your resources includes your time, knowledge, energy, mental health, physical health, finances, all of it. That became my mantra during the parenting-newborns stage, and now I apply it to everything in life.

All we can do during the conversion process (and after) is to live our lives authentically and with the best of intentions. We have to hope that living authentically and kindly will help others treat us with kindness when we inevitably make mistakes. It’s not a perfect system, unfortunately. Bad things can and will happen with no rhyme or reason. 

But that’s not your fault. Do the best you can, and if other people act badly, that’s on them, not you. Little comfort, right? 

Here’s the only “comfort” I can offer. The other people around you also aren’t as good at this “Jewish thing” as you think they are. They’re better than you are in most cases, but everyone makes mistakes. You’re underestimating your knowledge and skills, but you’re also overestimating the skills and knowledge of “everyone else.”

I created the hashtag #BadMiddos long ago, but the same idea has always brought me comfort: seeing other people make mistakes. One common example: as much as I struggled with brachot (blessings, especially those for food), I eventually saw that just about everyone struggles with it too. No one ever figures it out perfectly, and everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes even frum-from-birth Jews forget to bentch after a meal because something distracted them!

But I didn’t know that. I assumed everyone just knew and did it right. I knew about “Bracha Bees,” elementary school competitions for which bracha matches which food. See, I didn’t know as much as a second grader!

Except they don’t. I’ve sat around many a table where the group debated which bracha to say before eating the food. I’ve had many Shabbat meals debate the “correct” bracha for a food. I’ve had many friends realize hours after eating something, “oh no! I said the wrong bracha!” It’s remarkably common. And every single time, I am so soothed by that admission, even more than a decade post-conversion. #BadMiddos, as I said. But very human.

I’m not the only one who makes mistakes. No one is coming with a pitchfork. (Except the rare times when they are, and I’ve had that too.) Yes, I still have to reassure myself that no one can take away my Jewishness. Well, they can try, and they can say that they have. But I’ve learned the halacha around “invalidating” conversions (because anxiety, duh), and I know the halacha doesn’t support it in my case (and in almost no case in fact). Even better, I know that the people whose opinions I value wouldn’t buy it either. 

It never takes the fear away completely, but it does help.

You’re learning, and when you know better, you’ll do better. Anyone who is a jerk about that is just that: a jerk. Do your best and trust that in most cases, you’ll be fine. And if you’re not, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. 

If you struggle with Imposter Syndrome now during the conversion process, you’re probably always going to have at least a touch of it. Recognizing that can remove some of the pain and fear and make you better able to manage it. 

Embrace the journey, warts and all, embarrassments and successes. The conversion process isn’t just a spiritual and communal/interpersonal journey; it should also lead to more personal growth and self-acceptance. Your conversion process isn’t harmed by your mistakes – in many cases, it’s an effective and fast way to learn that particular lesson. 

You’re not the only one making mistakes. What matters is what you do after the mistake. How do you make it right? 

The moment I knew Judaism was for me was very relevant for this discussion. I grew up in an atheist family in the Bible Belt. I suffered intense religious judgment and bullying from the earliest of ages. 

Then I went into my first Jewish service. I even remember the seat I was sitting in, so I think it was the Friday night Kabbalat Shabbat service. I did almost nothing in that service and had no idea what was going on, but my friend set me up with a siddur and started me at the right page. 

I essentially read the siddur through that service, standing when other people stood and sitting when they sat. 

I was blown away by what I read in the siddur: “If you forgot to do X…” “If you mistakenly said Y…” “If you mistakenly skipped Z…” 

Finally – a religion that was realistic about humans! We make mistakes! They know it happens, and they tell us how to fix it right there in black and white! 

Honestly, it’s depressing how freeing and revelatory that experience was for me. I didn’t need to be perfect. The “system” knew I wouldn’t be perfect and gave me ways to “make it better.” 

Daniel Tiger/Mister Rogers taught our children this lesson, but adults need it too: “Saying I’m sorry is the first step / Then how can I help.” What matters when you do something wrong is what do you do next? How can you make it better?

Try to think about that when you make your next mistake. It’s normal, and what matters is 1) whether you learn from it and 2) how you make it better.

And don’t forget to turn those faux pas into a hilarious story for the Shabbat table a few years from now. I mean, I built an entire blog out of mine! One day, they can be funny to you even if they hurt so much in the moment.

The tagline of this blog back in the beginning was something like, “learn from my mistakes” or “I make mistakes so you don’t have to.” And hey, business will always be good because I’ll never stop making mistakes that I can tell other people about in the hopes that they can avoid it.