Contacting a rabbi is one of the most anxiety-provoking steps in the Jewish conversion process – and it’s also one of the most misunderstood. Many people delay conversion for months or even years because they believe they need to be “ready,” prove themselves, or have their entire story figured out before reaching out.
This post breaks down how contacting a rabbi actually works, what your first message should (and shouldn’t) include, where to look if you don’t belong to a synagogue, and why waiting for perfect readiness often does more harm than good.
If you want more calm, practical support while you’re building a Jewish life, my membership Bayit Builders is open January 11–15, 2026. You can learn more or join the waitlist here.
Transcript below.
Transcript:
I see people all the time delay their conversions by months, even years, because they’re afraid of just one step- contacting a rabbi.
Most people think they need to prove themselves before sending that email, or worse, that they need to get to know them for months before they can actually ask to speak to them one-on-one.
Those beliefs cause real harm.
If contacting a rabbi feels terrifying, it’s not because you’re unprepared.
It’s because no one explained to you how this actually works. You are allowed to reach out before you’re ready. In fact, if you are like most people, you will never feel ready.
So if you’ve been rehearsing that “perfect” email, this video is for you.
This is how to contact a rabbi without oversharing, spiraling, or apologizing for existing.
And stay to the end because I’m literally going to tell you what to say.
Hi, I’m Kochava. I’m a Jewish convert and I’ve been helping people convert to Judaism since 2010 through my blog, Building a Jewish Life.com.
And If you want a place where you can ask questions like this without second guessing yourself, that’s exactly why my membership Bayit Builders exists. It’s a calm, practical membership for people building a Jewish life, especially during conversion.
If you want guidance, tools, and a community that won’t rush or shame you, you are welcome there. If that sounds helpful, you can find more information in the link in the description below.
Doors are opening to new members January 11th through 15th 2026. And I only open the doors to new members three times a year, so this is your chance.
So here’s what I want you to fundamentally understand.
Your first message to a Rabbi is not about your story.
It’s about something much simpler logistics.
Fundamentally, all you’re really doing is trying to set up the meeting where you can have that talk about your story and your background and what led you here.
We spend all this time overthinking, when it’s really a very simple message.
So you’re still gonna have that scary conversation, but you’re gonna do it face to face, not over email. That’s not the best place for that.
So where do you even find a rabbi to talk to in the first place?
Obviously if you are attending a synagogue, the rabbi of that synagogue is the best place to start.
And it’s okay to contact an assistant rabbi if you have a better relationship with them.
So what if you don’t have a synagogue?
A lot of people look up all the synagogues in their area from the different denominations and try to set up meetings with multiple people so that they can get a feel for how different types of Judaism approach conversion.
That’s fine.
In fact, most rabbis will encourage you to talk to other rabbis to make sure you understand what you’re getting yourself into.
But here’s the question that we’ve kind of skipped over in what we’ve said so far. We keep talking about an email. Should you just call? It’s a choice, but it’s not a very effective one. In our day and age, it’s usually just better to send an email. There are old school rabbis who do not like talking over email and are not technologically savvy.
Which is why I say if you don’t get an answer, that does not necessarily mean that’s a no. They may just be Luddites, and they may not have a good handle on how email works.
Now what if you don’t find an email for the rabbi? Email the Shul’s general email. That’s fine. Just address it as though it were to that rabbi that you’re trying to reach, or just “dear Rabbi.”
Synagogues are used to people approaching them to talk about conversion. You’re not weird, you’re not unusual. You’re also probably not the first person. You may not even be the first person this year. You’re doing something totally normal and it’s also something that they understand that you are going to be nervous and scared.
All of this is normal and it’s okay.
Now what if you don’t live anywhere near a synagogue? What most people do is contact whatever their closest synagogue is, even if that’s a two hour drive away. Especially nowadays, usually people will agree to have a Zoom conversation so that you don’t have to schlep all the way over.
But if there’s a community you would consider moving to, that is where I would look first. But remember, nothing is set in stone.
You’re not stuck with just the first rabbi who says they’ll talk to you.
Find the best one you can. That may not be actually a good rabbi. You may not like the rabbi that you end up working with. That’s fairly uncommon to actually not like the rabbi at all, but sometimes you just have to work with what you got. And rabbis are human. That is a core theme of our channel here: is that rabbis are human beings who have bad days, kids with dentist appointments, and executive boards breathing down their neck about their contract for the next year.
So never assume anything is personal unless it has been proven to be personal. They’re probably just stressed out, forgetful, or having trouble with technology.
There are other places to find rabbis. There are independent rabbis, like “rabbi at large.” And generally you’re gonna find those people on social media or through websites or word of mouth.
The most common one that might be useful to you is you may find chaplains at hospitals or military bases. Those people can be good to meet and get references to people who might be able to help you. Chaplains are just also really nice people as a general rule. You can also try out Jewish Community Centers, Moishe Houses, that’s M-O-I-S-H-E houses, adult education centers, and online influencer rabbis. By the way, I’m not a rabbi, in case you didn’t know, so don’t at me.
And you should be skeptical of online only options. There are conversion “schools” popping up online.
I’ll link above and down below to the video that I made about online conversions. But the general rule is anyone who tells you that you don’t have to have an in-person community component is lying to you because they want your money.
That is not gonna be a conversion that is going to be recognized by the broader community. And no conversion is universally acknowledged, but this could mean literally no one recognizes your conversion.
So if you are considering an online only conversion program, definitely be buyer aware. Know what you’re getting into, talk to some alternatives before you make that final decision.
And just so you know, some of them are legitimately shady.
Always listen to your gut if it seems like they’re off.
So in that case, actually I’ll link above and down below also to my red flags video.
So hopefully you find someone who’s a fit, at least roughly so. Don’t overthink it.
You’re not signing a lifelong commitment… yet. You’re just starting a conversation.
I cannot reiterate this enough: don’t wait until you feel ready. You will never feel ready, and quite frankly, you need to start the clock on your conversion. I’ll link above there and down below to the video about how long conversions take, but the general rule is no one, no matter the type of Judaism, does a conversion in less than a year.
When that clock starts ticking is a matter of debate, depending on the rabbi, depending on your case. But you wanna start moving the clock, right?
A growing trend in orthodoxy is to have a flat two year minimum. It usually takes most people at least two years to convert Orthodox to begin with, but not everyone needs that long. But some places are putting in a hard line at of two years minimum. So get your clock started.
Talk to rabbis. Don’t sit on the fence forever.
This is literally the number one mistake that I see people making, and it has cascading effects throughout the entire rest of your conversion process because that delay never goes away.
I said before that a lack of a response is not necessarily a no.
If you don’t get a response, follow up again like, “Hey, just wanted to make sure you saw this.”
And if you don’t get an answer from that, call the shul office in a week or two.
There are predictable times when you might have a hard time reaching a rabbi.
First and foremost, the month before and the month of the High Holidays in the fall. It’s literally a two month period where they are just working their butts off. Passover is about a month of that in the spring. Hanukkah in wintertime is gonna be probably about a month.
But also summer vacation. Rabbis have kids who get outta school too, and they tend to take their vacations in the summer.
So in these times, it’s perfectly normal to have kind of a delay in getting back to you or even to have it get lost in the rush of a bunch of other emails.
Part of what they are looking for when you are converting is persistence.
What else are they looking for in you? Sincerity, not perfection. Motivation. That’s the other side of the persistence.
Your capacity for commitment. Because when you convert, you are making a lifelong commitment to become a Jew.
How open you are to guidance? Is it your way or the highway, or are you able to see things from other people’s perspectives and take advice when it’s given?
They’re looking for your relationship to the Jewish community, both locally and more broadly. If you have one. You may not have one yet. That’s okay.
They’re looking for respect for the process. That you understand that this is a process and what the steps are. It’s okay if you don’t know what all those steps are or what the process at all is yet. Those are things you can cover in your questions with the rabbi, but try Googling around a little bit.
I do have an entire blog called Building a Jewish life.com.
And then the most basic thing of all that they’re looking for is stability and self-awareness. Do you see yourself realistically? Are you emotionally stable?
Maybe you’ve heard of Jerusalem syndrome. People can lose their minds around religious topics sometimes, literally. So they want to see that you are a stable person mentally and emotionally. Because you would be surprised how many are not.
So that list ended up being a little longer than I thought, but hopefully nothing scary to you because what they are not looking for is for you to know Hebrew.
They’re not looking whether you act “Jewish enough.”
How articulate you are. How confident you are. Whether you’ve figured everything out. In fact, it’s better if you are uncertain and have doubts and haven’t figured things out because that shows you are a self-aware person who understands the magnitude of these decisions. You’re gathering information to try to make a good decision.
That doesn’t mean certainty is bad, but it does mean that uncertainty is also not bad.
You do not need to be doing any mitzvot yet.
All of these things are things you’re gonna learn during the process. You don’t have to start halfway done. It’s okay to be a beginner. In fact, that’s probably better because you’ll avoid making some bad habits that you pick up from just finding random stuff on the internet.
I mean, even with my stuff, take it with a grain of salt. Not all advice is good for all communities or for all people.
So now let’s get to the meat of the matter. What do you actually say? It’s really very simple. Like I said, this is a logistics email. ” Hi, my name is so and so. I live here” because Jews are extremely into geography. We even have a phrase called “Jewish geography” where we compare where other people live so that we can see if we know people in common.
A rabbi tends to serve a certain geographic area, and they’re gonna wanna know how local are you. It’s okay if you’re not local. It’s good to include how you found them.
And then your purpose. Why are you emailing them? You could say, I wanted to contact you to see if we could set up a meeting because I would like to understand more about the process of Jewish conversion.”
And that’s it.
You don’t need to include your childhood religious story.
You don’t need to include details about your spouse or partner.
Nothing about reasons why you’re converting.
No proof that you’ve researched everything.
And not even a list of mitzvot that you’ve been doing.
Overexplaining in your first email can actually work against you because it may not be the most professional first impression. And I am absolutely begging you to not be like me. I was and sometime still am the oversharing queen. Do not be me. Just keep it nice and professional. Businesslike.
It’s so much better to have these conversations face to face with people who can ask questions in the moment rather than just verbal vomiting all over everyone.
Fundamentally, you want your email to be easy to answer. You don’t want it to take 10 minutes to read.
You want them to be able to read it real quick and answer you right away. Their time is precious.
And what if they actually do say no? Well that’s not the end of the road. You do still have options. That’s kind of a, a key lesson of conversions is no matter what goes wrong, you always have options. It’s just not always easy to figure out what those options are. So the easiest option is move on to the next name on the list.
Two, ask for referrals to someone who might be interested in working with someone who’s converting. Just because they said no, doesn’t mean they think you’re a bad candidate for it. Just may mean they are too busy or that’s not part of their job description. You can say, “well, thank you for your time. Is there someone you would recommend I talk to instead?”
It’s just gotta be that one sentence. You don’t have to go into it.
If this is the option that you really want and you’re local, start going to the synagogue.
Just keep showing up and, for lack of a better word, become the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
Show up enough times and they have to eventually talk to you.
I mean, be like nice and professional about it, but if they see you showing up week after week, it’s gonna show that you are not some random Joe off the street.
And if none of those options are available to you, then it’s probably time to call in an expert or just friends or Jewish people you know. Get a couple of minds working on this, trying to find solutions because I guarantee there is some way forward. It just may not be very clear right now.
Now what on earth do you do if they say yes? Because that’s when you freak out, right? What are you gonna talk about with these people?
Your story is so wild and meandering. It doesn’t make sense to anyone. How am I possibly going to be able to talk to them about that? Also, incredibly normal. I guarantee you few people have heard everything as much as clergy has. The odds that you will surprise or shock them startlingly low, and they are also going to know that you’re nervous and probably even scared.
So all of these feelings are normal, and it’s okay, and if you are stuttering or you repeat yourself or you’re not sure how to bring the story back together, perfectly normal. They’ve seen it before. You’re gonna be okay.
If you want a little help thinking through this, if you join my mailing list, I do have a free worksheet that’s the Rabbi Meeting Prep Sheet. It’s one of the freebies in my little freebie library that’s got a bunch of stuff that might be useful to you. But that one in particular would be useful for planning for your meeting.
So if you take nothing else from this video, take this: contacting a rabbi is not a test of your worthiness, your readiness, or your Jewishness.
It’s just the beginning of a conversation, potentially a working relationship.
You don’t need the perfect words. You don’t need the perfect timing.
Or a perfectly formed Jewish life.
One clear respectful message is enough to open the door.
And once that door is open, the rest of the process unfolds step by step. You can tackle it one step at a time, not all at once.
You are gonna be okay.
So if this video helped you feel calmer or clearer about contacting a rabbi, that’s not an accident.
That’s exactly the kind of support that my membership Bayit Builders is meant to do.
Inside it, we walk through moments like this step by step.
Not just the logistics, but also the emotional weight behind them.
Because let’s face it, most of the times we’re lost on the logistics and it feels like our life is in the balance. Both of those are problems that need to be solved.
You don’t have to perform or rush or figure this out alone.
So if you want some steady guidance and a community that “gets” you, you are invited to join us January 11th through the 15th, 2026.
You can find out more or join the wait list at Building a Jewish Life.com/membership, and the link is down below for you too. Good luck. You’ve got this.
