Tisha B’Av can feel intimidating, especially if you’re converting to Judaism, don’t have a local Jewish community, or are observing it on your own for the first time.
The good news is that you don’t need a synagogue to observe Tisha B’Av meaningfully. Whether you’re fasting, reading Eicha, learning about Jewish history, praying, or simply taking time to reflect, there are many ways to connect with the day wherever you are.
In this guide, I’ll walk you through practical ways to observe Tisha B’Av at home, one step at a time.
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Transcript below.
Transcript:
 Here’s how to celebrate Tisha B’Av even if you’re the only Jew in the room. You don’t need a synagogue or a Jewish community to observe it meaningfully.
But if you’re converting to Judaism, live far from a synagogue, or just can’t attend services, you might wonder, “What am I actually supposed to do?” The good news is that there are lots of meaningful ways for you to observe Tisha B’Av at home.
Hi, I’m Kochava. I’m a Jewish convert, and I’ve been helping people convert to Judaism since 2010 through my blog, buildingajewishlife.com.
And if you want more practical, nuanced advice about building a Jewish life from scratch, join my mailing list down below. You’ll also get access to my resource library full of free resources for people exactly like you.
If you’re here, I assume you already know a little bit about Tisha B’Av, the saddest day of the Jewish year. If you don’t, I’m gonna link up here and down below to my video that introduces the Three Weeks and Tisha B’Av. Go watch that video first and then come back here.
Tisha B’Av can feel intimidating, especially because it’s a mournful, sad day.
Even if you do inter- interact with members of the Jewish community, they probably aren’t that cheerful and friendly. And you can get really intimidated by that, even though you know that that’s the character of the day. You wonder, “Are they really just feeling that way about me?”
Whether or not you’ve been observing the mourning practices of the three weeks leading up to Tisha B’Av, you can still observe Tisha B’Av.
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. We can fall into the trap of, “Well, if I can’t do it perfectly, I might as well do nothing at all because it doesn’t matter.” The all-or-nothing trap is one of the biggest traps I see people falling into, so don’t let that ruin your Tisha B’Av.
You don’t have to do everything that I’m listing in this video.
When you start building a Jewish life from scratch, you gotta start somewhere. No one does everything from the get-go. How you observe this year will definitely be different than how you will observe next year. So do what you can today, and let next year take care of next year.
So just as a refresher, we’re commemorating great tragedies within Jewish history, most importantly, the destruction of the First and Second Temples in Jerusalem, the Beit HaMikdash, the first one by the Babylonians in 586 BCE, and the second by the Romans in the year 70 CE.
But traditionally, we’re also remembering the decree that the generation of the Exodus in the Torah would die in the wilderness after the bad report from the spies about the Land of Israel.
We’re also remembering the fall of Beitar in 135 CE, which crushed the Bar Kochba revolt, which was an uprising against the Romans.
And last, the plowing over of Jerusalem by the Romans after the revolt, symbolizing its destruction and devastation.
But over time, other tragedies have become associated with Tisha B’Av, most notably the expulsions of the Jews from England, France, and Spain.
Many remember the outbreak of World War I, which set off a chain of events that was very bad for world Jewry, and also the deportations from the Warsaw Ghetto in Poland during the Holocaust started around the time of Tisha B’Av And more generally, we remember the Holocaust during Tisha B’Av as well.
Some pretty heavy stuff. So how can you really do justice to that at home?
I’ll reassure you that most of the observance of Tisha B’Av happens at home or at work, because this isn’t a holiday with Shabbat-like restrictions.
So first and foremost, the most important observance of Tisha B’Av is fasting.
This is one of the two major fasts of the Jewish year, along with Yom Kippur. It is for a full Jewish day, 25 hours. No eating, no drinking. And of course, this is a fast that happens at the height of summer when it’s hot out and you get dehydrated more easily.
If this is your first year fasting in a Jewish way, don’t push yourself too hard.
Your body needs time to adjust to this kind of practice. You wouldn’t run a marathon without some training runs first.
However, it’s important to note that not everyone can fast, nor should fast. I’ll link up here and down below to my video about Pikuach Nefesh, the obligation to save a life. That sounds real serious, but it’s actually quite lenient in practice. We want to avoid possible danger. We don’t wait until things have gone seriously downhill before we act.
So if you’re on medications, you’re pregnant or breastfeeding, you have a chronic condition, or you happen to just be sick on that day, talk to a rabbi about what your actual obligation would be. And if you’re told not to fast, don’t view that as a failure.
If it’s a fasting day and you can’t fast, you have a mitzvah to eat, and that is filling your role this year. I’ll link down below to a group called A Mitzvah to Eat, which is great for people who are struggling with not being able to fast on fast days.
If you want to learn more about who’s obligated to fast, how to prepare for fasting, and alternatives you can do if you’re not able to fast, I’ll link up here and down below to my Fasting (or Not) guide, which is a guide to Jewish fast days.
It’s on sale for the three weeks right now, and it applies to every fast day of the year, so you could use it again when Yom Kippur comes around this fall.
The second most common observance of Tisha B’Av is also probably the most accessible. It’s reading Lamentations, Eicha. in the Bible. And yes, you can read it in English. I’ll link down below to a trusted Jewish translation since, you know, Christians translate things kind of funny sometimes.
With this being a fast day that doesn’t have Shabbat-like restrictions, one of my favorite ways to spend a fast day is to watch appropriate movies while laying down. It’s a good way to rest your body to give you a better chance of success at finishing the fast, especially if you are a bad faster like me.
You can watch documentaries or narrative movies like Schindler’s List. There are lots of options. And if you Google online, there’s lots of lists that people have compiled for videos that are good to watch on Tisha B’Av.
Three, learn about the tragedies.
You could learn about the history of the Beit HaMikdash, the Temple.
You could learn about the Inquisition and the expulsion from Spain.
You could watch movies about the Holocaust, as I mentioned up above.
There are lots of ways to learn about these tragedies so you can understand why we mourn.
Four is prayer. Traditionally on Tisha B’Av, we, we recite Kinot, which are liturgical poems that are very sad. You can use those as prayers, and I’ll link down below to a resource for Kinot that you can use.
And of course, if you don’t regularly pray from the siddur, the prayer book, today would be a good day to do some prayers, even if they’re normal weekday prayers. Every mitzvah done this day counts. And of course, you can also do personal prayer in your own words.
Five, you can give Tzedakah. Tzedakah is usually translated as charity, but it actually comes from the word for justice.
You can donate money to charities for this day. You could donate time or money towards someone that you know is in need. You could also do acts of kindness or acts of service. Bring a little bit of light into the world on a dark day.
Six, connect with Jewish people. I mean, by definition in this video, I’m assuming you don’t have a lot of Jewish people nearby. If you do know of at least a few people living nearby, today is a good day to connect with them.
But your online connections count, too. So does your old college roommate who lives across the country.
Connect with Jewish people in the ways that are open to you. They all count. Yes, even Reddit.
But you could also try to find a live stream being done or classes. There will be people live streaming classes on this day. And if you really need to, you can count a prerecorded class, too.
Even if you’re physically alone, you’re observing Tisha B’Av with all of the world’s Jews.
You’re not alone.
Seven is a bit of a catchall. Reduce joyful activities. It’s not the day to go to an amusement park or a concert. Ideally, not a wedding. Obviously, there are no Jewish weddings. Also, maybe skip watching a comedy special. Try to watch things that are a little more low vibe.
Maybe also try to keep your music a little more somber. During this period of the year, many Orthodox Jews don’t listen to music with instruments in them. So there is a healthy amount of Jewish acapella music out there, and a lot of it is on YouTube. I’ll link down below to a sample playlist.
And then eight is the other traditional ways that we observe Tisha B’Av.
Because Tisha B’Av is a day of mourning, it has a lot in common with sitting shiva, which you may have heard of as a seven-day period when Jewish family members will mourn a lost family member in a specific way.
So the first thing up is sitting low to the ground. On Tisha B’Av, people usually do it until about the middle of the day. This is a practice that mourners do during shiva. People make specialty low-to-the-ground chairs, but you can also sit on the floor if you’re physically able to do so.
We also avoid greeting each other. So you’re not walking into synagogue saying, “Hey, Joe, how’s it going?” Or, “Good morning.” You just kind of skip all those pleasantries, ’cause the day is supposed to be intentionally somber.
Next, people don’t wear leather shoes.
We don’t bathe for pleasure, which also includes swimming. If you’re dirty, clean yourself off. Washing necessary for hygiene or medical purposes is A-okay approved.
You’ll see many people wash their hands with only the, uh, ends of their fingers. I get that it’s traditional, but ever since the invention of germ theory, I’m on team wash the whole hand after going to the bathroom.
You’ll see people avoiding lotions, perfumes, or other cosmetics, usually because they’re associated with comfort and pleasure. So traditionally, that does include makeup or other ways of beautifying yourself.
And lastly, no sex, another part of traditional mourning practices.
Nine, Tisha B’Av is a good time for reflection.
We’re also looking at the dynamics of destruction within our own lives and our communities. So here are some journaling prompts you could use.
What feels broken in the world? I’m sure that’s a very long list.
What feels broken in me? But don’t go too hard on yourself.
Which relationships need repair?
And what kind of world am I helping to build?
One of the hardest parts of building a Jewish life is feeling like you’re doing it alone, which most of us are in the beginning. If that’s you, watch this video next about how to build a Jewish life even when you don’t have a community around you.
