The first time you go to synagogue, you might expect everyone to sit quietly and pay attention to the service. And then you get there and… everyone is talking. Someone’s whispering to their neighbor, someone else is catching up with an old friend, and meanwhile you’re afraid to cough because you have no idea what the rules are.
So, why do people talk so much in synagogue? Are you allowed to talk too? And when should you absolutely keep quiet? Let’s talk about the written – and unwritten – rules of talking during synagogue services.
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Transcript below.
Transcript:
The first time you go to synagogue, you might assume that you sit there quietly and pay attention to the service.
But in reality, you get there and everyone’s talking.
They’re whispering, they’re walking around. Somebody’s catching up with an old friend Someone else looks like they’re having an entire business conversation in three rows over.
Meanwhile, you’re afraid to cough because you don’t know the rules around this.
So why do people talk so much in synagogue? And are you allowed to talk too?
Hi, I’m Kochava. I’m a Jewish convert, and I have been helping people convert to Judaism since 2010 through my blog, BuildingaJewishLife.com.
I have a membership called Bayit Builders, and once during one of our monthly Q&A sessions, someone brought up, “Why is everyone talking in shul?”
And it was like a bomb went off in the group. There was a collective groan, and everyone started talking over each other. Everyone had an opinion on this, and it was a bad one.
We hate it, and I include myself in that
I have consistently found that in the conversion community, the grand majority of us absolutely hate how much people talk in synagogue. It is one of the things that gets us most fired up.
So first off, yes, you’re not imagining things. There is probably a problem in your synagogue. Whether other people think it’s a problem, that’s a different question.
So let’s talk about it.
Oh, and before I forget, this week my membership Bayit Builders is opening to new members. That only happens three times a year, so find out more by clicking the link down in the description below.
So if you’re not familiar with synagogues, because I feel like anyone who has ever been in a synagogue knows what we’re talking about. But if you’ve never been to a synagogue before, you might be assuming that yes, there is already going to be a lot of talking sounds involved because Jews do pray aloud. Many of our prayers are said out loud.
But that’s not the talking we’re talking about. We’re talking about socializing.
What I think is the root of this problem for so many people who are converting is that most of us come from a world of churches where you’re supposed to sit down, be quiet, listen to the pastor, and do what you’re told.
That is not the Jewish way. The Jewish way is herding cats.
The Jewish way is every movie stereotype you have seen about loud families talking over one another. This is a different cultural norm.
And yes, most leaderships of shuls don’t like this problem either. There will constantly be, “Quiet!” going on in the synagogue.
But it never works. They just keep going.
They might stop for a few minutes, but it inevitably picks right up again, and next week they’re banging on the bimah just like before.
The interesting thing to me is that it’s very denominational specific. So we call denominations movements in Judaism.
This is a much larger problem in Orthodox synagogues. In fact, the more to the right, the bigger the problem as a general rule.
The Reform movement at the other end of the spectrum, there’s gonna be a lot of talking, but it’s not going to be as blatant. Like, they have a little bit of shame while they do it usually. Like, they know they’re not supposed to be doing it, and they try to really whisper and keep it down, as a general rule. Your mileage in your community will vary.
And then the Conservative movement in the middle is kind of in the middle. Every community will be different. Most people know that they should have a little shame doing it and try to be quiet, but it doesn’t actually stop them from doing it
And this isn’t a new problem.
Traditional Jewish sources complain about people talking during prayers. In fact, so much so that we made rules about which parts of the service you absolutely cannot talk, and we kind of, like, left all the other sections up to chance.
Okay, you shouldn’t talk during the Shema and its blessings, the Amidah, which is also called the Shemoneh Esrei, the Kaddish prayers, and during the Torah reading.
And especially in Orthodox synagogues, you will find that people are quieter during these periods.
But the rest of the service is just abandoned like a sacrificial zone. ” Okay, you, if you have to talk, do it during these times.”
So here’s the question, can you talk during synagogue services? Honestly, yeah.
I find most of us don’t. Because we know better.
Most of us very much avoid talking in synagogue as much as possible, but inevitably people will talk to you.
And you may need to answer them. You could also answer them with, “Let’s talk after the davening is over.”
But inevitably, you’ll probably be roped into a bit of talking in synagogue at least occasionally. Because that’s life in a synagogue.
But you know when it is totally okay to talk in synagogue? When you’re asking a question about the service. Especially, “What page are we on?” Always, always, always ask, “What page are we on?” if you need it The people around you will not be offended that you asked this question. It is a question that I even see born Jews asking because they just weren’t paying attention for a few minutes.
It is a perfectly normal question to ask.
There aren’t that many other questions spec- that you should ask during the service itself. But like, I could see a situation where you’re like, “Do I stand now?” Or sh- “Can I sit now?” Those are also always okay to ask. But generally, you’re just gonna be following whether the congregation is sitting or standing
If you’re capable of standing, which by the way, if you have difficulty standing, it is always okay to sit.
Here’s where I play devil’s advocate.
Talking in synagogue happens because we care about each other, because we live together as a real community.
Yes, sometimes it’s disruptive. And yes, sometimes it’s rude.
But most of the time, it’s just social niceties. ” Hey, how are you doing?” “How are the kids?” ” How was your vacation?” These are the threads that build a community together.
And as much as it annoys me, I cannot fault the community for that, because the community feeling is one of the things that I love most about the Jewish people.
That comes with costs. No one likes learning how the sausage is made, and this is how the sausage is made. We talk to each other. We’re a talkative bunch.
And honestly, as you are joining a community and trying to fit in more, when people start talking to you during the service, that’s a big sign that you’ve made it. So you can be proud while also really annoyed.
And if you’ve ever sat in synagogue and thought to yourself, “I have no idea what these people are doing, but I am too embarrassed to ask,” that’s exactly why I created Bayit Builders.
It’s a membership community for people who are building a Jewish life from scratch. And they want a community of people who “get it” and don’t think their questions are stupid. ‘Cause they’re not.
So if you want practical help navigating Jewish life, click the link down in the description below.
And if you want to learn more basic rules of attending synagogue services, check out this video next.
